PR 5617 
.R6 
1901 





Class_ __:£li-Xiif 
Book J1-- 



THE ROSE AND THE 
RING 

OR, THE HISTORY OF PRINCE GIGLIO 
AND PRINCE BULBO 

A Fireside Pantomime for Great and Small Children 

BY 

W;- M. THACKERAY 

O 

AUTHOR OF "vanity FAIi:.' "hKNHY ESMOND," " KNfiLISH 

HU.UOUISTS," "the great hoggakiy uia.-mond," etc. 




BOSTON 
DANA ESTES k COMPANY 

1901 






University Press: 
John Wilson and Son, CambridgEo 



|V: 




POOR BULBO IS ORDERKn FOR EXECrTTON 



PRELUDE. 



It happened that the undersigned spent the last Christmas 
season in a foreign city, where there were many English children. 

In that city, if you wanted to give a child's party, you could 
n^t even get a magic lantern or buy Twelfth-Night characters — 
those funny painted pictures of the King, the Queen, the Lover, 
the Lady, the Dandy, the Captain, and so on — with which our 
young ones are wont to recreate themselves at this festive time. 

My friend Miss Bunch, who was governess of a large family 
that lived in the Piano Nobile of the house inhabited by myself 
and my young charges (it was the Palazzo Poniatowski at Rome, 
and Messrs. Spillmann, two of the best pastry-cooks in Christendom, 
have their shop on the ground floor) — Miss Bunch, I say, begged 
me to draw a set of Twelfth-Night characters for the amusement 
of our young people. 

She is a lady of great fancy and droll imagination, and having 
looked at the characters, she and I composed a history about them, 
which was recited to the little folks at night, and served as our 

FIRESIDE PANTOMIME. 

Our juvenile audience was amused by the adventures of Griglio 
and Bulbo, Rosalba and Angelica. I am bound to say, the fate 



A mELUDtl. 

of the Hall l^orter created a considerable sensation ; and the wrath 
of Countess CirnffanufF was received with extreme pleasure. 

If these children are pleased, thought I, why. should not others 
be amused also ? In a few days, Dr. Birch's young friends will be 
expected to reassemble at Rod well Regis, where they will learn 
every thing that is useful, and, under the eyes of careful ushers, 
continue the business of their little lives. 

But in the mean while, and for a brief holiday, let us laugh and 
be as pleasant as we can. And you elder folks — a little joking, 
and dancing, and fooling, will do even you no harm. The author 
wishes you a merry Christmas, and welcomes you to the Fireside 
Pantomime. 

M. A. TiTMARSH. 
December, 1354. 



ilERE BEGINS THE PANTOMIME. 

Illilliililll 




THE ROSE AND THE RING. 



I. 

SHOWS HOW THE ROYAL FAMILY SAT DOWN TO BREAKFAST. 

This is Valoroso XXIV,, King of Paflafronia, seated with his queen 
and only child at their royal breakfast-table, and receiving the letter 
which announces to his majesty a proposed visit from Prince Bulbo, 
heir of Padella, reigning king of Crim Tartary. Remark the delight 
upon the monarch's royal features. He is so absorbed in the perusal 
of the King of Crini Tartary's letter, that he allows his eggs to get 
cold, and leaves his august muffi-ns untasted. 



8 ROVAL FOLKS AT BREAKFAST TIME. 

"What! that wicked, brave, delightful Prince Bulbo!" cries Prin- 
cess Angelica ; " so handsome, so accomplished, so witty — the con- 
queror of Rimbombamento, where he slew ten thousand giants!" 

"Who told you of him, my dear?" asks his majesty. 

"A little bird," says Angelica. 

" Poor Giglio !" says mamma, pouring out the'tea. 

" Bother Giglio !" cries Angelica, tossing up her head, which rustled 
with a thousand curl-pape*s. 

" I wish," growls the king, " I wish Giglio was " 

" Was better ? Yes, dear, he is better," says the queen. " Angel- 
ica's little maid, Betsinda, told me so when she came to my room this 
morning with my early tea." 

" You are always drinking tea," said the monarch, with a scowl. 

" It is better than drinking port, or brandy and water," replies her 
majesty. 

" Well, well, my dear, I only said you were fond of drinking tea," 
said the King of Paflagonia, with an effort as if to, command his tem- 
per. "Angelica! I hope you have plenty of new dresses; your mil- 
liners' bills are long enough. My dear queen, you must see and have 
some parties. I prefer dinners, but of course you will be for balls. 
Y^our everlasting blue velvet quite tires me ; and, my love, I should 
like you to have a new necklace. Order one. Not more than a hund- 
red or a hundred and Mtyi thousand pounds." 

" And Giglio, dear?" says the queen. 

" Giglio may go to the — " 

"Oh, sir," screams her majes^ty. " Y^our o\vn nephew! our late 
king's only son !" 

" Giglio may go to the tailor's, and order the bills to be sent in to 
Glumboso to pay. Confound him ! I mean, bless his dear heart. He 
need want for nothing; give him a couple of guineas for pocket money, 
my dear ; and you may as well order yourself bracelets, while you are 
about the necklace, Mrs. Y." 



Her Majesty, or Mrs. V., as the monarch facetiously called her (for 
even royalty will have its sport, and this august family were very 
much attached), embraced her husband, and, twining her arm round 
her daughter's waist, they quitted the breakfast-room in order to make 
all things ready for the princely stranger. 

When they were gone, the smile that had lighted up the eyes of 
the husband and father fled — the pride of the King fled — the man w>s 
alone. Had I the pen of a G. P. R. James, I would also depict his 
flashing eye, his distended nostril — his dressing-gown, pocket-hand- 
kerchief, and boots. But I need not say I have ?iot the pen of that 
novelist; suffice it to say, Valoroso was alone. 

He rushed to the cupboard, seizing from the table one of the many 
egg-cups with which his princely board was served for the matin 
meal, drew out a bottle of right Nantz or Cognac, filled and emptied 
the cup several times, and laid it down with a hoarse " Ha, ha, ha ! 
now Valoroso is a man again !" 

" But oh !" he went on (still sipping, I am sorry to say), " ere 1 was 
a king, I needed not this intoxicating draught ; once I detested the hot 
brandy wine, and quafled no other fount but nature's rill. It dashes 
not more quickly o'er the rocks, than I did, as, with blunderbuss in 
hand, I br\ished 'away the early morning dew, and shot the partridge, 
snipe, or antlered deer! Ah! well may England's dramatist remark, 
'Uneasy lies the head that wears a crown!' Why did I steal my 
nephew's, my young Giglio's — Steal! said I ; no, no, no, not steal, 
not steal. Let me withdraw thart odious expression. I took, and on 
my manly head I set, the royal crown^of Paflagonia ; I took, and with 
my royal arm I wield, the sceptral rod of Paflagonia ; I took, and in 
my outstretched hand I hold, the royal orb of Paflagonia ! Could a 
poor boy, a sniveling, driveling boy — was in his nurse's arms but yes- 
terday, and cried for sugar-plums and puled for pap — bear up the aw- 
ful weight of crown, orb, sceptre ? gird on the sword my royal fathers 
wore, and meet in fight the tough Crimean foe V 



lO AH, I FfeAR, KING VALOROSO, 

And then the monarch went on to argue in his own mind (though 
we need not say that blank verse is not argument) that what he had 
got it was his duty to keep, and that, if at one time he had entertained 
ideas of a certain restitution, which shall be nameless, the prospect by 
a certain marriage of uniting two crowns and two nations which had 
been engaged in bloody and expensive wars, as the Paflagonians and 
Crimeans had been, put the idea of Giglio's restoration to the throne 
out of the question : nay, were his own brother, King Savio alive, he 
M^ould certainly will away the crown from his own son in order to 
bring about such a desirable union. 

Thus easily do we deceive ourselves ! Thus do we fancy what we 
wish is right ! The king took courage, read the papers, finished his 
muffins and eggs, and rang the bell for his prime minister. The 
queen, after thinking whether she should go up and see Giglio, who 
had been sick, thought, " Not now. Business first; pleasure after- 
ward. I will go and see dear Giglio this afternoon; and now I will 
drive to the jeweler's, to look for the necklace and bracelets." The 
princess went up into her own room, and made Betsinda, her maid, 
bring out all her dresses ; and as for Gisrlio, they forgot him as much 
as 1 forget what I had for dinner last Tuesday twelvemonth. 



I'HAT YOUR CONDUCT iS BUT SO-SO ! 



IL 

HOW KING VALOROSO GOT THE CROWN, AND PRINCE GIGLIO WENT 

WITHOUT. 

Paflagonia, ten or twenty thousand years ago, appears to have 
been one of those kingdoms where the laws of succession were not 
settled ; for when King Savio died, leaving his brother regent of the 
kingdom, and guardian of Savio 's orphan infant, this unfaithful regent 
took no sort of regard of the late monarch's will; had himself pro- 
claimed sovereign of Paflagonia under the title of King Valoroso XXI V., 
had a most splendid coronation, and ordered all the nobles of the king- 
dom to pay him homage. So long as Valoroso gave them plenty of 
balls at court, plenty of money, and lucrative places, the Paflagonian 
nobility did not care who was king ; and as for the people in those 
early times, they were equally indifferent. The Prince Giglio, by rea- 
son of his tender age at his royal father's death, did not feel the loss 
of his crown and empire. As long as he had plenty of toys and sweet- 
meats, a holiday five times a week, and a horse and gun to go out 
shooting when he grew a little older, and, above all, the company of 
his darling cousin, the king's only child, poor Giglio was perfectly con- 
tented ; nor did he erivy his uncle the royal robes and sceptre, the 
great, hot, uncomfortable throne of state, and the enormous, cumber- 
some crown in which that monarch appeared from morning till night. 
King Valoroso's portrait has been left to us, and I think you will agree 
with me that he must have been sometimes rather tired of his velvet. 



HERE BEHOLD THE MONARCH Sit, 




and his diamonds, and his ermine, and his irrandour. I shouldn't like 
to sit in that stifling robe with such a thing as that on my head. • 



WITH HE R MAJESTY OPPOSITE. 

IlllilillJi 



13 




No doubt, the queen must have been lovely in her youth ; foi 
though she grew rather stout in after life, yet her features, as shown 



14 HOW THE MONARCH RULED HIS NATION. 

in her portrait, are certainly joleasing. If she was fond of flattery, 
scandal, cards, and fine clothes, let us deal gently with her infirmities, 
which, after all, may be no greater than our own. She was kind to 
her nephew ; and if she had any scruples of conscience about her hus- 
band's taking the young prince's crown, consoled herself by thinking 
that the king, though a usurper, was a most respectable man, and that 
at his death Prince Giglio would be restored to his throne, and share it 
with his cousin, whom he loved so fondly. 

The prime minister was Glumboso, an old statesman, who most 
cheerfully swore fidelity to King Valoroso, and in whose hands the 
monarch left all the affairs of his kingdom. All Valoroso wanted was 
plenty of money, plenty of hunting, plenty of flattery, and as little 
trouble as possible. As long as he had his sf)ort, this monarch cared 
little how his people paid for it. He engaged in some wars, and, of 
course, the Paflagonian newspajDers announced that he gained prodi- 
gious victories ; he had statues erected to himself in every city of the 
empire ; and, of course, his pictures placed every where, and in all the 
print-shops : he was Valoroso the Magnanimous, Valoroso the Victo- 
rious, Valoroso the Great, and so forth; for even in these early times 
courtiers and people knew how to flatter. 

This royal pair had one only child, the Princess Angelica, who, you 
may be sure, was a paragon in the courtiers' eyes, in her parents', and 
in her own. It was said she had the longest hair, the largest eyes, the 
slimmest waist, the smallest foot, and the most lovely complexion of 
any young lady in the Paflagonian dominions. Her accomplishments 
were announced to be even superior to her beauty ; and governesses 
used to shame their idle pupils by telling them what Princess Angelica 
could do. She could play the most difficult pieces of music at sight. 
She could answer any one of Mangnal's (otuestions. She knew every 
date in the history of Paflagonia and every other country. She knew 
French, English, Italian, German, Spanish, Hebrew, Greek, Latin, Cap- 
padocian, Samothracian, iEgean, and Crim Tartar. In a word, she was 



GRUFFANUFF, AND WHAT HER STATION. 15 

a most accomplished young creature ; and her governess and lady-in- 
waiting was the severe Countess Grufianuff. 




Would you not fancy, from this picture, that GruffanufF must have 
been a person of the highest birth ? She looks so haughty, that I 
should have thought her a princess at the very least, with a pedigree 



16 BEWARE OF PRIDE WITHOUT A CAUSE. 

reaching as far back as the dehige. But this lady was no better born 
than many other ladies who give themselves airs, and all sensible 
people laughed at her absurd pretensions; the fact is, she had been 
maid-servant to the queen when her n:iajesty was only princess, and 
her husband had been head footman, but after his death or disappear- 
ance, of which you shall hear presently, this Mrs. Gru flan ufi^, by flat- 
tering, toadying, and wheedling her royal mistress, became a favorite 
with the queen (who was rather a weak woman) ; and her majesty 
gave her a title, and made her nursery governess to the princess. 

And now I must tell you about the princess's leai'ning and accom- 
plishments, for which she had such a wonderful character. Clever 
Angelica certainly was, but as idle as possible. Play at sight, indeed! 
she could play one cr two pieces, and pretend that she had never seen 
them before ; she could answer half a dozen Mangnal's Questions ; 
but then you must take care to ask the right ones. As for her lan- 
guages, she had masters in plenty, but I doubt whether she knew 
more than a few phrases in each, for all her pretense ; and as for her 
embroidery and her drawing, she showed beautiful specimens, it is 
true, but who did thera? 

■ This obliges me to tell the truth, and to do so I must go back ever 
so far, and tell you about the Fairy Blackstick. 



WHO THE PWIRY BLACKSTICK WAS. 17 



III 

TT'«>LS WHO THE FAIRY BLACKSTICK WAS, AND WHO WERE EVER SO 
MANY GRAND PERSONAGES BESIDES, 

Between the kingdoms of Paflagoiiia and Crim Tartary there lived 
a mysterious personage, who was known in those countries as the 
Fairy Blackstick, from the ebony wand or crutch wliich she carried ; 
on which she rode to the moon sometimes, or upon other excursions of 
business or pleasure, and with which she performed her wonders. 

When she was young, and had been first taught the art of conjur- 
ing by the necromancer, her father, she was always practicing her 
skill, whizzing about from one kingdom to another upon her black 
stick, and conferring her fairy favors upon this prince or that, fc^he 
had scores of royal godchildren ; turned numberless wicked people into 
beasts, birds, millstones, clocks, pumps, bootjacks, umbrellas, or other 
absurd shapes ; and, in a word, was one of the most active and officious 
of the whole college of fairies. 

But after two or three thousand years of this sport, I suppose Black- 
stick grew tired of it. Or perhaps she thought, " AA'hat good am I do- 
ing by sending this princess to sleep for a hundred years ? by fixing a 
black pudding on to that booby's nose ? by causing diamonds and pearls 
to drop from one little girl's mouth, and vipers and toads from anoth- 
er's ? I begin to think I do as much harm as good by my perforiji- 

3 



IS FAIRY ROSES, FAIRY RINGS, 

ances. I might as well shut my incantations up, and allow things to 
take their natural course. 

" There were my two young goddaughters, King Savio's wife and 
Duke Padella's wife, I gave them each a present, which was to render 
them charming in the eyes of their husbands, and secure the affection 
of those gentlemen as long as they lived. What good did my Rose 
and my Ring do these two women? None on earth. From having 
all their whims indulged by their husbands, they became capricious, 
lazy, ill-humored, absurdly vain, and leered and languished, and fan- 
cied themselves irresistibly beautiful, when they were really quite old 
and hideous, the ridiculous creatures ! They used actually to patronize 
me when I went to pay them a visit; me, the Fairy Blackstick, who 
knows all the wisdo*m of the necromancers, and who could have turn- 
ed them into baboons, and all their diamonds into strings of onions by 
a sino-le wave of my rod!" So she locked up her books in her cup- 
board, declined further magical performances, and scarcely used her 
wand at all except as a cane to walk about with. 

So when Duke Padella's lady had a little son (the duke was at that 
time only one of the principal noblemen in Crim Tartary), Blackstick, 
although invited to the christening, would not so much as attend, but 
merely sent her compliments and a silver pap-boat for the baby, Avhich 
was really not worth a couple of guineas. About the same time the 
(dueen of Paflagonia presented his majesty with a son and heir; and 
guns were fired, the capital illuminated, and no end offcasts ordained 
to celebrate the young prince's birth. It was thought the fairy, who 
was asked to be his godmother, would, at least, have presented him 
with an invisible jacket, a flying horse, a Fortunatiis's purse, or some 
other valuable token of her favor ; but instead, Blackstick went up to 
the cradle of the child Gigho, when every body was admiring him 
and complimenting his royal papa and mamma, and said, " My poor 
child, the best thing I can send you is a little misfortunr,'" and this 
was all she would utter, to the disgust of Giglio's parents, who died 



' TURN OUT SOMETIMES TROUBLESOME THINGS. 19 

very soon after, when Giglio's uncle took the throne, as we read in 
Chapter I. 

In like manner, when Cavolfiore, King of Crini Tartary, had a 
christening of his only child Rosalba, the Fairy Blackstick, who had 
been invited, was not more gracious than in Prince Giglio's case. 
While every body was expatiating over the beauty of the darling child, 
and congratulating its parents, the Fairy Blackstick looked very sadly 
at the baby and its mother, and said, " My good woman" (for the fairy 
was very familiar, and no more minded a queen than a washerwoman) 
— " niy good woman, these people who are following you will be the 
first to turn against you; and as for this little lady, the best thing I 
can wish her is a little misfortune ^ iSo she touched Rosalba with 
her black wand, looked severely at the courtiers, motioned the queen 
an adieu with her hand, and sailed slowly up into the air out of the 
window. 

When she was gone, the court people, who had been awed and 
silent in her presence, began to speak. " What an odious fairy she 
is," they said ; " a pretty fairy, indeed ! Why, she went to the King 
of Paflagonia's christening, and pretended to do all sorts of things for 
that family ; and what has happened ? the prince, her godson, has 
been turned off his throne by his uncle. Would we allow our sweet 
princess to be deprived of her rights by any enemy ? Never, never, 
never, never !" 

And they all shouted in a chorus, " Never, never, never, never!" 

Now I should like to know, and how did these fine courtiers show 
their fidelity ? One of King Cavolfiore's vassals, the Duke Padella 
just mentioned, rebelled against the king, who went out to chastise 
his rebellious subject. " Any one rebel against our beloved and au- 
gust monarch !" cried the courtiers ; " any one resist him ? Pooh ! 
He is invincible, irresistible. He will bring home Padella a prisoner, 
and tie him to a donkey's tail, and drive him round the town, saying, 
'This is the way the Great Cavolfiore treats rebels.' " 



2U FLATTERING COURTIERS MAKE POOR MARTYRS. 

The king went forth to vanquish Padella ; and the poor queen, who 
was a very timid, anxious creature, grew so frightened and ill, that, 
I am sorry to say, she died ; leaving injunctions with her ladies to 
take care of the dear little Rosalba. Of course they said they would. 
Of course they vowed they would rather die than any harm should 
happen to the princess. At first the " Grim Tartar Court Journal" 
stated that the king was obtaining great victories over the audacious 
rebel : then it was announced that the troops of the infamous Padella 
were in flight : then it was said that the royal army would soon come 
up with the enemy, and then — then the news came that King Ca- 
volfiore was vanquished and slain by his majesty King Padella the 
First ! 

At this news, half the courtiers ran off to pay their duty to the 
conquering chief, and the other half ran away, laying hands on all 
the best articles in the jialace, and poor little Rosalba was left there 
quite alone — quite alone ; and she toddled from one room to another, 
crying, " Countess ! duchess!" (only she said ' tountess, duttess,' not 
being able to speak plain), " bring me my mutton sop ; my royal high- 
ness hungy ! Tountess, duttess !" And she went from the private 
apartments into the throne-room, and nobody was there ; and thence 
into the ball-room, and nobody was there ; and thence into the pages' 
room, and nobody was there ; and she toddled down the great stair- 
case into the hall, and nobody was there ; and the door was open, and 
she went into the court, and into the garden, and thence into the wil- 
derness, and thence into the forest where the wild beasts live, and 
was never heard of any more ! 

A piece of her torn mantle and one of her shoes were found in the 
wood in the mouths of two lioness's cubs, whom King Padella and 
a royal hunting party shot — for he was king now, and reigned over 
Crim Tartary. " So the poor little princess is done for," said he ; 
" well, what's done can't be helped. Gentlemen, lot us go to lunch- 



WHO AVAS KING OF THE CRiM TARTARS. 



21 



eon ! " And one of the courtiers took up the shoe and put it in his 
pocket. And there was an end of Rosalba ! 




22 GRUFFANUFF IS SILENCED QUITE, 



17. 

HOW BLACKSTICK WAS NOT ASKED TO THE PRINCESS ANGELICA'S 
CHRISTENING. 

When the Princess Angelica was born, her parents not only did 
not ask the Fairy Blackstick to the christening party, but gave orders 
to their porter absolutely to refuse her if she called. This porter's 
name was Gruffanuft^, and he had been selected for the post by their 
royal highnesses because he was a very tall, fierce man, who could 
say " Not at home" to a tradesman or an unwelcome visitor wdth a 
rudeness which frightened most such persons away. He was the hus- 
band of that countess whose picture we have just seen, and as long 
as they were together they quarreled from morning till night. Now 
this fellow tried his rudeness once too often, as you shall hear ; for 
the Fairy Blackstick coming to call upon the prince and princess, who 
were actually sitting at the open drawing-room window, Gruffanufi" 
not only denied them, but made the most odious vulgar sign as he was 
going to slam the door in the fairy's face ! " Git away, hold Black- 
stick !" said he. " I tell you, master and missis ain't at home to you;" 
and he was, as we have said, going to slam the door. 

But the fairy, with her wand, prevented the door being shut ; and 
GruffanufFcame out again in a fury, swearing in the most abominable 
way, and asking the fairy " Avhether she thought he was going to stay 
at that there door hall day." 

" You are going to stay at that door all day and all night, and for 
many a long year," the fairy said, very majestically ; and Gruffanuff, 



don't you think she served him right f 



23 



coming out of the door, straddling before it with his great calves, burst 
out laughing, and cried, " TIa, ha, ha ! this is a good un ! Ha — ah— 
what's this ? Let me down — — o — H'm !" and then he was dumb. 




For, as the fairy waved her wand over him, he felt himself rising 
oil' the ground, and fluttering up against the door, and then, as it a 



24 



ALL YE FOOTMEN RUDE AND ROUGH, 



screw ran into his stomach, he felt a dreadful pain there, and was 
pinned to the door ; and then his arms flew up over his head ; and his 
legs, after writhing about wildly, twisted under his body ; and he felt 
cold, cold, growing over him, as if he was turning into metal, and he 
said, " — — H'm !" and could say no more, because he was dumb. 

He was turned into metal! He was from being brazen, brass ! He 
was. neither more nor less than a knocker ! And there he was, nailed 
to the door in the blazing summer day, till he burned almost red hot; 
and there he was, nailed to the door all the bitter winter nights, till 
his brass nose was dropping with icicles. And the postman came and 




rapped at him, and the vulgarest boy with a letter came and hit him 
up against the door. And the king and queen (princess and prince 
they were then) coming home from a walk that evening, the king said, 
" Hullo, my dear ! you have had a new knocker put on the door. Why, 
it's rather like our porter in tlie face ! What has become of that boozy 
vagabond ?" And the housemaid came and scrubbed his nose with 



Warning take by gruffanuff I 25 

sandpaper ; and once, when the Princess Angelica's little sister was 
born, he was tied up in an old kid glove ; and, another night, some 
larking young men tried to wrench him offj and put him to the most 
excruciating agony with a turnscrew. And then the queen had a fancy 
to have the color of the door altered ; and the painters dabbed him 
over the mouth and eyes, and nearly choked him, as they painted him 
pea-green. I warrant he had leisure to repent of having been rude to 
the Fairy Blackstick ! 

As for his wife, she did not miss him ; and as he was always guz- 
zling beer at the public house, and notoriously quarreling" with his 
wife, and in debt to the tradesmen, it was supposed he had run away 
from all these evils, and emigrated to Australia or America, And 
when the prince and princess chose to become king and queen, they 
left their old house, and nobody thought of the porter any more. 



26 



iJOW THE PRINCESS, AS SHE PLAYED, 



V. 



HOW PRINCESS ANGELICA TOOK A LITTLE MAID. 

One day, when the Princess Angelica was quite a little girl, she was 
walking in the garden of the palace, with Mrs. Gruffanuff, the govern- 
ess, holding a parasol over her head, to keep her sweet complexion 




*'iii!!iifcrj' '' 



MET A LITTLE BEGGAR-MAID. 27 

from the freckles, and Angelica was carrying a bun, to feed the swans 
and ducks in the royal pond. 

They had not reached the duck-pond, when there came toddling up 
to them such a funny little girl ! She had a great quantity of hair 
blowing about her chubby little cheeks, and looked as if she had not 
been washed or combed for ever so long. She wore a ragged bit of a 
cloak, and had only one shoe on. 

" You little wretch, who let you in here ?" asked GruffanufT. 

" Dive me dat bun," said the little girl ; " me vely hungy." 

"Hungry! what is that?" asked Princess Angelica, and gave the 
child the bun. 

" Oh, princess !" says Gruffanuff, " how good, how kind, how truly 
angelical you are ! See, your majesties," she said to the king and 
queen, who now came up, along with their nephew. Prince Giglio, 
" how kind the princess is ! She met this little dirty wretch in the 
garden — I can't tell how she came in here, or why the guards did not 
shoot her dead at the gate ! and the dear darling of a princess has 
given her the whole of her bun '" 

" I didn't want it," said Angelica. 

" But you are a darling little angel all the same," says the governess. 

" Yes, I know I am," said Angelica. " Dirty little girl, don't you 
think I am very pretty ?" Indeed, she had on the finest of little dress- 
es and hats ; and, as her hair was carefully curled, she really looked 
very well. 

" Oh, pooty, pooty !" says the little girl, capering about, laughing, 
and dancing, and munching her bun ; and as she ate it she began to 
sing, " Oh what fun, to have a plum bun ! how I wis it never was 
done !" At which, and her funny accent, Angelica, Giglio, and the 
king and queen began to laugh very merrily. 

" I can dance as well as sing," says the little girl. " I can dance, and 
T can sing, and I can do all sorts of ting." And she ran to a flower- 
bed, and, pulling a few polyanthuses, rhododendrons, and other flowers 



28 



How THIS LITTLE BEGGAR-BABY 



made herself a little wreath, and danced before the king and queen so 
drolly and prettily, that every body was delighted. 




"Who was your mother — who were your relations, little girl ?" said 
the queen. 



DANCED AND SANG, AS DROLL AS MAY BE. 29 

The little girl said, " Little lion was my brudder ; great big lioness 
my mudder; neber heard of any udder." And she capered away on 
her one shoe, and every body was exceedingly diverted. 

So Angelica said to the queen, " Mamma, my parrot flew away yes- 
terday out of its cage, and I don't care any more for any of my toys ; 
and I think this fuuny little dirty child will amuse me. I will take 
her home, and give her some of my old frocks — " 

" Oh, the generous darling !" says Gruffanuff. 

"Which I have worn ever so many times, and am quite tired of," 
Angelica went on ; '' and she shall be my little maid. Will you come 
home with me, little dirty girl ?" 

The child clapped her hands, and said, " Go home with you — yes ! 
You pooty princess ! Have a nice dinner, and wear a new dress !" 

And they all laughed again, and took home the child to the palace, 
where, when she was washed and combed, and had one of the prin- 
cess's frocks given to her, she looked aa handsome as Angelica almost. 
Kot that Angelica ever thought so ; for this little lady never imagined 
that any body in the world could be as pretty, as good, or as clever as 
herself. In order that the little girl should not become too proud and 
conceited, Mrs. Gruffanuft' tot>k her old ragged mantle and one shoe, 
and put them into a glass box, with a card laid upon them, upon which 
was written, "These were the old clothes in. which little Betsinda 
was found, when the great goodness and admirable kindness of her 
royal highness the Princess Angelica received this little outcast." And 
the date was added, and the box locked up. 

For a while little Betsinda was a great favorite with the princess, 
and she danced, and sang, and made her little rhymes, to amuse her 
mistress. But then the princess got a monkey, and afterward a little 
dog, and afterward a doll, and did not care for Betsinda any more, who 
became very melancholy and quiet, and sang no more funny songs, be- 
cause nobody cared to hear her. And then, as she grew older, she 
was made a little lady's maid to the princess ; and thougn she had no 



30 OF THE MISTRESS AND THE MAID, 

wages, she worked, and mended, and put Angelica's hair in papers, and 
was never cross when scolded, and was always eager to please her 
mistress, and was always up early and to bed late, and at hand when 
wanted, and, in fact, became a perfect little maid. So the two girls 
grew up, and, when the princess came out, Betsinda was never tired 
of waiting on her, and made her dresses better than the best milliner, 
and was useful in a hundred ways. While the princess was having 
her masters, Betsinda would sit and watch them, and in this way she 
picked up a great deal of learning ; for she was always awake, though 
her mistress was not, and listened to the wise professors when Angel- 
ica was yawning, or thinking of the next ball. And when the dancing- 
master came, Betsinda learned along with Angelica ; and when the 
music-master came, she watched him, and practiced the princess's 
pieces when Angelica was away at balls and parties ; and when the 
drawing-master came, she took note of all he said and did ; and the 
same with French, Italian, and all other languages — she learned them 
from the teacher who came to Angelica. When the princess was go- 
ing out of an evening, she would say, " My good Betsinda, you may as- 
well finish what I have begun." " Yes, miss," Betsinda would say, and 
sit down very cheerful, not to finish what Angelica begun, but to du it. 
For instance, the princess would begin the head of a warrior, let us 
say, and when it was begun it was something like this. 




WHILE ONE WORKED, THE OTHER PLAYED. 3L 

But when it was done, the warrior was like this 




(only handsomer still, if possible), and the princess put her name to 
the drawing; and the court, and king and queen, and, above all, poor 
Giglio, admired the picture of all things, and said, " Was there ever a 
genius like Angelica ?" So, I am sorry to say, was it with the prin- 
cess's embroidery and other accomplishments ; and Angelica actually 
believed that she did these things herself, and received all the flattery 
of the court as if every word of it was true. Thus she began to think 
that there was no young woman in all the world equal to herself, and 
that no young man was good enough for her. As for Betsinda, as she 
heard none of these praises, she was not puffed up by them, and being 
a most grateful, good-natured girl, she was only too anxious to do every 
thing which might give her mistress pleasure. Now you begin to per- 
ceive that Angelica had faults of her own, and was by no means such 
a wonder of wonders as people represented her royal highness to be. 



32 



SHOWS HOW GIGLIO EVINCES 



VI. 



HOW PRINCE GIGLIO BEHAVED HIMSELF. 

And now let us speak about Prince Giglio, the nephew of the reign- 
ing monarch of Paflagonia. It has already been stated, in page 11, 
that as long as he had a smart coat to wear, a good horse to ride, and 
money in his pocket, or rather to take out of his pocket, for he was 
very good-natured, my young prince did not care for the loss of his 
crown and sceptre, being a thoughtless youth, not much inclined to 
politics or any kind of learning, ^o his tutor had a sinecure. Giglio 
would not learn classics or mathematics, and the lord chancellor of 




IDLE TASTES LIKE OTHER PRINCES. 



33 



Paflagonia, Squaretoso, pulled a very long face because the prince 
could not be got to study the Pafiagonian laws and constitution ; but, 
on the other hand, the king's game-keepers and huntsmen found the 
prince an apt pupil ; the dancing-master pronounced that he was a 
most elegant and assiduous scholar; the first lord of the billiard ta- 
ble gave the most flattering reports of the prince's skill ; so did the 
groom of the tennis court; and as for the captain of the guard and 
fencinof-master, tiie valiant and veteran Count Kutasoff Hedzoff, he 




avowed that since he ran the general of Crim Tartary, the dreadful 
Grumbuskin, through the body, he never had encountered so expert a 
swordsman as Prince Giglio. 

C 



34 



HOW HIS PRETTY COUSIN MEETS HIM, 



I hope you do not imagine that there was any impropriety in the 
prince and princess walking together in the palace garden, and because 
Giglio kissed Angelica's hand in a polite manner. In the first place, 




they are cousins; next, the queen is v/alking in the garden too- (you 
can not see her, for she happens to be behind that tree), and her maj- 
esty always wished that Angelica and Giglio should marry : so did 
Giglio : so did Angelica sometimes, for she thought her cousin very 
handsome, brave, and good-natured ; but then, you know, she was- so 



AND HOW SAUCILY SHE TREATS HIM. 



35 



clever, and knew so many things, and poor Giglio knew nothing, and 
had no conversation. AVhen they looked at the stars, what did Giglio 
know of the heavenly bodies ? Once when on a sweet night in a bal- 
cony where they were standing Angelica said, " There is the Bear," 
" Where ?" says Giglio ; " don't be afraid, Angelica ! if a dozen bears 
come, I will kill them rather than they shall hurt you." " Oh, you silly 
creature !" says she, " you are very good, but you are not very wise." 
AYhen they looked at the flowers, Giglio was utterly unacquainted with 
Botany, and had never heard of Linnseus. When the butterflies pass- 
ed, Giglio knew nothing about them, being as ignorant of Entomology 
as I am of Algebra. So, you see, Angelica, though she liked Giglio 
pretty well, despised him on account of his ignorance. I think she 
probably valued her own learning rather too much ; but to think too well 
of one's self is the fault of people of all ages and both sexes. Final- 
ly, when nobody else was there, Angelica liked her cousin well enough. 
King Valoroso was very delicate in health, and, withal, so fond of good 
dinners (which were prepared for him by his French cook, Marmitonio), 




36 MUCH I FEAR, WHEN HEARTS ARE ILL, 

that it was supposed he could not live loufr. Now the idea of any- 
thing happening to the king struck the artful prime minister and the 
designing old lady in waiting with terror ; for, thought Glumboso 
and the countess, " when Prince Giglio marries his cousin and comes 
to the throne, what a pretty position we shall be in, whom he dis- 
likes, and who have always been unkind to him. We shall lose our 
places in a trice ; Gruffanufi' will have to give up all the jewels, laces, 
snuff-boxes, rings, and watches Avhich belonged to the queen, Giglio's 
mother ; and Glumboso will be forced to refund two hundred and 
seventeen thousand million, nine hundred and eighty-seven thousand, 
four hundred and thirty-nine pounds, thirteen shillings, and sixpence 
halfpenny, money left to Prince Giglio by his poor dear father." So 
the lady of honor and the prime minister hated Giglio because they 
had done him a wrong ; and these unprincipled people invented a 
hundred cruel stories about poor Giglio, in order to influence the king, 
queen, and princess against him ; how he was so ignorant that he 
could not spell the commonest words, and actually wrote Valoroso 
Valloroso, and spelled Angelica with two I's ; how he drank a great 
deal too much wine at dinner, and was always idling in the stables 
with the grooms ; how he owed ever so much money at the pastry- 
cook's and the haberdasher's ; how he used to go to sleep at church ; 
how he was fond of playing cards with the pages. So did the queen 
like playing cards ; so did the king go to sleep at church, and eat 
and drink too much ; and, if Giglio owed a trifle for tarts, who owed 
him two hundred and seventeen thousand million, nine hundred and 
eighty-seven thousand, four hundred and thirty-nine pounds, thirteen 
shillings, and sixpence halfpenny, I should like to know ? Detract- 
ors and tale-bearers (in my humble opinion) had much better look at 
home. All this backbiting and slandering had effect upon Princess 
Angelica, who began to look coldly on her cousin, then to laugh at 
him and scorn him for being so stupid, then to sneer at him for having 
vulgar associates ; and at court balls, dinners, and so forth, to treat 



small's the good op doctor s pill, 37 

him so unkindly that poor Giglio became quite ill, took to his bod, and 
sent for the doctor. 




His majesty Kinof Yaloroso, as we have seen, had his own reasons 
for disliking his nephew ; and as for those innocent readers who ask 
Avhy, I beg (with the permission of their dear parents) to refer them 
to Shakspeare's pages, where they will read why King John disliked 
Prince Arthur. With the queen, his royal but weak-minded aunt, 
when Giglio was out of sight he was out of mind. While she had her 
whist and her evening parties, she cared for little else. 

I dare say two villains, who shall be nameless, wished Doctor Pil- 
drafto, the court physician, had killed Giglio right out ; but he only 



38 



FOLKS WITH WHOM WE'rE ALL ACQUAir^TEDj 



bled and phj^sicked him so severely, that the prince was kept to hi.^ 
room for several months, and grew as thin as a post, 




While "he was lying sick in this way, there came to the court of Paf- 



aren't so handsome as they're painted. 89 

laffonia a famous painter, whose name was Tomaso Lorenzo, and who 
was painter in ordinary to the King of Grim Tartary, Paflagonia's 
neighbor. Tomaso Lorenzo painted all the court, who were delighted 
with his works ; for even Countess Grufiannff looked young and Glum- 
boso good-humored in his pictures. " He flatters very much," some 
people said. "Nay!" says Princess Angelica, "I am above flattery, 
and I think he did not make my picture handsome enough. I can't 
bear to hear a man of genius unjustly cried down, and I hope my dear 
papa will make Lorenzo a knight of his Order of the Cucumber." 

The Princess Angelica, although the courtiers vowed her royal high- 
ness could draw so heautifully that the idea of her taking lessons was 
absurd, yet chose to have Lorenzo for a teacher, and it was wonder- 
ful, as long as she painted in his studio, what beautiful pictures she 
made ! Some of the performances were engraved for the Book of 
Beauty ; others were soLl for enormous sums at charity bazars. She 
wrote the signatures under the drawings, no doubt, but I think I know 
who did the pictures — this artful painter, who had come with other 
designs on Angelica than merely to teach her to draw. 

One day Lorenzo showed the princess a portrait of a young man in 
armor, with fair hair and the loveliest blue eyes, and an expression at 
once melancholy and interesting. 

" Dear Signor Lorenzo, who is this ?" asked the princess. " I never 
saw any one so handsome," says Countess Gruffanu{]"(the old humbug). 
" That," said the painter, " that, madam, is the portrait of my august 
young master, His Royal Highness Bulbo, Crown Prince of Crim Tar- 
tary, Duke of Acroceraunia, Marquis of Poluphloisboio, and Knight 
Grand Cross of the Order of the Pumpkin. That is the Order of the 
Pumpkin glittering on his manly breast, and received by his royal high- 
ness from his august father, his majesty King Padella L, for his gal- 
lantry at the battle of Rimbombamento, when he slew with his own 
princely hand the King of Ograria, and two hundred and eleven giants 
of the two hundred and eiirhteen who formed the king's body-guard. 



40 



O YOU PAINTER, HOW YOU PLATTER I 



The remainder were destroyed by the brave Crim Tartar army after an 
obstinate combat, in which the Crim Tartars sufiered severely." 




What a prince ! thought Angelica ; so brave — so calm-looking — so 
young — what a hero ! 

" He is as accomplished as he is bxave," continued the court painter. 



SURE HE MUST BE LAUGHING AT HER I 4] 

" He knows all languages perfectly ; sings deliciously ; plays every in- 
strument ; composes operas which have been acted a thousand nights 
running at the Imperial Theatre of Crim Tartary, and danced in a bal- 
let there before the king and queen, in which he looked so beautiful, 
that his cousin, the lovely daughter of the King of Circassia, died lor 
love of him." 

" Why did he not marry the poor princess V asked Angelica, wiih 
a sigh. 

" Because they were first cousins, madam, and the clergy forbid these 
unions," said the painter. " And, besides, the young prince had given 
his royal heart elsevoherc T 

"And to whom?" asked her royal highness. 

" I am not at liberty to mention the princess's name," answered the 
painter. 

" But you may tell me the first letter of it," gasped out the })rincess. 

"That your royal highness is at lil)erty to guess," says Lorenzo. 

" Does it begin with a Z ?" asked Angelica. 

The painter said it wasn't a Z ; then she tried a Y ; then an X ; then 
a W, and went so backward through almost the whole alphabet. 

When she came to D, and it wasn't D, she grew very much excited ; 
when she came to C, and it wasn't C, she was still more nervous ; 
when she came to B, and it umsnH B, " 0, dearest (Truffanufi'," she said, 
"lend me your smelling bottle!" and, hidirg her head on the count- 
ess's shoulder, she faintly whispered, " Ah, signer, can it be A ?" 

" It was A ; and though I may not, by my royal master's orders, tell 
your royal highness the princess's name, whom he fondly, madly, de- 
votedly, rapturously loves, I may show you her portrait," says this sly- 
boots : and, leading the princess up to a gilt frame, he drew a curtain 
which was before it. 

goodness, the frame contained a looking-glass ! and Angelica 
saw her own face ! 



42 OTHER GIRLS, THE AUTHOR GUESSESi, 



YII. 
HOW GIGLIO AND ANGELICA HAD A QUARREL. 

The court painter of his majesty the King of Crim Tartary returned 
to that monarch's dominions, carrying away a number of sketches 
which he had made in the Pafiagonian capital (you know, of course, 
my dears, that the name of that capital is Blombodinga) ; hut the most 
charming of all his pieces was a portrait of the Princess Angelica, 
which all the Crim Tartar nobles came to see. With this work the 
king was so delighted, that he decorated the painter with his Order of 
the Pumpkin (sixth class), and the artist became Sir Tomaso Lorenzo, 
K.P., thenceforth. 

King Valoroso also sent Sir Tomaso his Order of the Cucumber, be- 
sides a handsome order for money, for he painted the king, queen, and 
principal nobility while at Blombodinga, and became all the fashion, 
to the perfect rage of all the artists in Pafiagonia, where the king used 
to point to the portrait of Prince Bulbo, Avhich Sir Tomaso had left be- 
hind him, and say, " AVhich among you can paint a picture like that ?" 

It hung in the royal parlor, over the royal sideboard, and Princess 
Angelica could always look at it as she sat making the tea. Each day 
it seemed to grow handsomer and handsomer, and the princess grew 
so fond of looking at it, that she would often spill the tea over the cloth, 
at which her father and mother would wink and wag their heads, and 
say to each other, " Aha ! we see how things are going." 

In the mean while poor Giglio lay up stairs very sick in his chamber, 



LOVE TO FLIRT BESIDES PRINCESSES. 43 

though he took all the doctor's horrible medicines like a good young 
lad, as I hope you do, my dears, when you are ill, and mamma sends 
for the medical man. And the only person M^ho visited Giglio (be- 
sides his friend the captain of the guard, who was almost always 
busy on parade), was little Betsinda, the housemaid, who used to do 
his bed-room and sitting-room out, bring him his gruel, and warm his 
hed. 

When the little housemaid came to him in the morning and even- 
ing. Prince Giglio used to say, " Betsinda, Betsinda, how is the Princess 
Angelica ?" 

And Betsinda used to answer, " The princess is very well, thank you, 
my lord." And Giglio would heave a sigh, and think, if Angelica were 
sick, I am sure / should not be very well. 

Then Giglio would say, " Betsinda, has the Princess Angelica asked 
for me to-day?" And Betsinda would answer, "No, my lord, not to- 
day;" or, " She was very busy practicing the piano when I saw her ;" 
or, " She was writing invitations for an evening party, and did not speak 
to me;" or make some excuse or other not strictly consonant with truth ; 
for Betsinda was such a good-natured creature, that she strove to do 
every thing to prevent annoyance to Prince Giglio, and even brought 
him up roast chicken and jellies from the kitchen (when the doctor 
allowed them, and Giglio was getting better), saying " that the prin- 
cess had made the jelly or the bread-sauce with her own hands, on 
purpose for Giglio.'* 

When Giglio heard this, he took heart, and began to mend imme- 
diately, and gobbled up all the jelly, and picked the last bone of the 
chicken — drumsticks, merry-thought, side-bones, back, pope's nose, 
and all — thanking his dear Angelica; and he felt so much better the 
next day, that he dressed and went down stairs, where, whom should 
he meet but Angelica going into the drawing-room. All the covers 
were off the chairs, the chandeliers were taken out of the bags, the 
damask curtains uncovered, the work and things carried awav, and the 



44 OTHER FOLKS, AS AVELL AS THEV, 

Handsomest albums on the tables. Angelica had her hair in papers ; 
in a word, it was evident there was going to be a party, 

" Heavens, Giglio !" cries Angelica ; " you here, in such a dress ! What 
a figure you are !" 

" Yes, dear Angelica, I am come down stairs, and feel so well to-day, 
thanks to the fowl and the^c//y." 

" What do I know about fowls and jellies, that you allude to them 
in that rude way ?" says Angelica. 

" Why, didn't — didn't you send them, Angelica, dear?" says Giglio. 

" I send them, indeed ! Angelica dear ! 'No, Giglio, dear," says she, 
mocking him, "/was engaged in getting the rooms ready for his royal 
highness the Prince of Crim Tartary, who is coming to pay my papa's 
court a visit." 

" The — Prince — of — Crim — Tartary !" Giglio said, aghast. 

" Yes, the Prince of Crim Tartary," says Angelica, mocking him. " I 
dare say you never heard of such a country. What did you ever hear 
oV. You don't know whether Crim Tartary is on the Pvcd Sea or on 
the Black Sea, I dare say." 

"Yes 1 do; it's on the Red Sea," says Giglio, at which the princess 
burst out laughing at him, and said, " you ninny ! You are so igno- 
rant, you are really not fit for society ! You know nothing but about 
horses and dogs, and are only fit to dine in a mess-room with my royal 
father's heaviest dragoons. Don't look so surprised at me, sir; go and 
put your best clothes on to receive the prince, and let me get the draw- 
ing-room ready." 

Giglio said, " Angelica, Angelica, I didn't think this of you. This 
wasn't your language to me when you gave me this ring, and I gave 
you mine in the garden, and you gave me that k — " 

But what k was we never shall know, for Angelica, in a rage, cried, 
" Get out, you saucy, rude creature ! How dare you to remind me of 
your rudeness ? As for your little trumpery twopenny ring, there, sir, 
there !" And she fluns: it out of the window. 



BLINDLY FLING GOOD LUCK AAVAY. 45 

" It was my mother's marriage ring," cried Giglio. 

" / don't care whose marriage ring it was," cries Angelica. " Marry 
the person who picks it up, if she's a woman: you sha'n't marry me. 
And give me back my ring. I've no patience wdth people who boast 
about the things they give away ! / know who'll give me much finer 
things than you ever gave me. A beggarly ring indeed, not worth five 
shillings!" 

Now Angelica little knew that the ring which Giglio had given her 
was a fairy ring : if a man wore it, it made all the women in love with 
him ; if a woman, all the gentlemen. The queen, Giglio's mother, 
quite an ordinary looking person, was admired immensely while she 
wore this ring, and her husband was frantic when she was ill. But 
when she called her little Giglio to her, and put the ring on his finger. 
King ^avio did not seem to care for his wile so much any more, but 
transferred all his love to little Giglio. So did every body love him 
as long as he had the ring ; but when, as quite a child, he gave it to 
Angelica, people began to love and admire her ; and Giglio, as the say- 
ing is, played only second fiddle. 

" Yes," says Angelica, going on in her foolish, ungrateful way, "/ 
know who'll give me much finer things than your beggarly little pearl 
nonsense." 

" Very good, miss ! You may take back your ring too !" says Giglio, 
his eyes flashing fire at her ; and then, as if his eyes had been sudden- 
ly opened, he cried out, " Ha! what does this mean ? Is this the wom- 
an I have been in love with all my life ? Have I been such a ninny 
as to throw away my regard upon you 1 Why — actually — yes — you 
are a little crooked!" 

" you wretch !" cries Angelica. 

"And, upon my conscience^ you — you squint a little." 

" E !" cries Angelica. 

" And your hair is red — and you are marked with the small-pox — and 
what ? you have three false teeth — and one' leg shorter than the other !" 



46 



FLOURISH TRUMPETS ! RATTLE DRUMS ! 



"You brute, you brute, you!" Angelica screamed out: and as she 
seized the ring with one hand, she dealt Giglio one, two, three smacks 
on the face, and would have pulled the hair off his head had he not 
started laughing, and crying, 

" dear me, Angelica, don't pull out my hair, it hurts ! You might 
remove a great deal qI your own, as I perceive, without scissors or pull- 
ing at all. ho, ho ! ha, ha, ha ! he, he, he !" 

And he nearly choked himself with laughing, and she with rage, 
when, with a low bow, and dressed in his court habit, Count Gamba- 
bella, the first lord in waiting, entered and said, "Royal highnesses! 
their majesties expect you in the pink throne-room, where they await 
the arrival of the Prince of Crl\i Tartary." 




ROYAL BULBO THIS WAY COMES 1 47 



YIII. 

HOW GRUFFANUFF PICKED THE FAIRY RING UP, AND PRINCE BULBO 
CAME TO COURT. 

Prince Bulbo's arrival had set all the court in a flutter: every 
body was ordered to put his or her best clothes on : the footmen had 
their gala liveries ; the lord chancellor his new wig ; the guards their 
last new tunics ; and Countess Gruffanuff, you may be sure, was glad 
of an opportunity of decorating her old person with her finest tilings. 
She was walking through the court of the palace, on her way to wait 
upon their majesties, when she spied something glittering on the pave- 
ment, and bade the boy in buttons, who was holding up her train, to 
go and pick up the article shining yonder. He was an ugly little 
wretch, in some of the groom-porter's old clothes cut down, and much 
too tight for him ; and yet, when he had taken up the ring (as it 
turned out to be), and was carrying it to his mistress, she thought he 
looked like a little cupid. He gave the ring to her; it was a trump- 
ery little thing enough, but too small for any of her old knuckles, so 
she put it into her pocket. 

" mum !" says the boy, looking at her, " how, how beyoutiful you 
do look, mum, to-day, mum !" 

" And you too, Jacky," she was going to say ; but, looking down at 
him — 110, he was no longer good-looking at all — but only the carroty- 



48 FRIENDS, IF WE WERE PRINCES TOO, 

haired little Jacky of the morning. However, praise is welcome from 
the ugliest of men or boys, and GruffanufF, bidding the boy hold up 




her train, walked on in high good-humor. The guards saluted her 
with peculiar respect. Captain Hedzoft^, in the ante-room, said, " My 
dear madam, you look like an angel to-day." And so, bowing and 
smirking, Grufianufi" went in and took her place behind her rov:il mas- 



DRUMS WOULD BEAT FOR ME AND YOU. 51 

ter and mistress, who were in the throne-room, awaiting the Prince of 
dim Tartary. Princess Angelica sat at their feet, and behind the 
king's chair stood Prince Giglio, looking very savage. 

The Prince of Crim Tartary made his appearance, attended by Baron 
Sleibootz, his chamberlain, and followed by a black page, carrying the 
most beautiful crown you ever saw. He was dressed in his traveling 
costume, and his hair, as you see, was a little in disorder. " I have 
ridden three hundred miles since breakfast," said he, " so eager was I 
to behold the Prin — the court and august family of Paflagonia — and I 
could not M^ait one minute before appearing in your majesties' pres- 
ences." 

Giglio, from behind the throne, burst out into a roar of contemptu- 
ous laughter ; but all the royal party, in fact, were so flurried that they 
did not hear this outbreak. " Your royal highness is welcome in 
any dress," says the king. " Glumboso, a chair for his royal high- 
ness." 

" Any dress his royal highness w^ears is a court dress," says Princess 
Angelica, smiling graciously. 

"Ah! but you should see my other clothes," said the prince. "I 
should have had them on, but that stupid carrier has not brought 
them. Who's that laughing?" 

It was Giglio laughing. " I was laughing," he said, " because you 
said just now that you were in such a hurry to sec the princess, that 
you could not wait to change your dress ; and now you say you come 
in those clothes because you have no others." 

" And wdio are you ?" said Prince Bulbo, very fiercely. 

" My father was king of this country, and I am his only son, prince," 
replies Giglio, with equal haughtiness. 

" Ha !" said the king and Glumboso, looking very flurried ; but the 
former, collecting himself, said, " Dear Prince Bulbo, I forgot to intro- 
duce to your royal highness my dear nephew, his royal highness 
Prince Giglio! Know each other! embrace each other! Giglio, 



52 GIGLIO'S JEALOUS OF THE CRIM- 

give his royal highness your hand !" and Giglio, giving his hand, 
squeezed poor Bulbo's until the tears ran out of his eyes. Glumboso 
now brought a chair for the royal visitor, and placed it on the platform 
on which the king, queen, and prince were seated ; but the chair was 
on the edge of the platform, and as Bulbo sat down, it toppled over, 
and he with it, rolling over and over, and bellowing like a bull. 
Giglio roared still louder at this disaster, but it was with laughter ; 
so did all the court, when Prince Bulbo got up ; for though, when 
he entered the room, he appeared not very ridiculous, as he stood up 
from his fall for a moment, he looked so exceedingly plain and foolish, 
that nobody could help laughing at him. When he had entered the 
room, he was observed to carry a rose in his hand, which fell out of it 
as he tumbled, 

" My rose ! my rose!" cried Bulbo ; and his chamberlain dashed for- 
ward and picked it up, and gave it to the prince, who put it into his 
waiscoat. Then people wondered why they had laughed — there was 
nothing particularly ridiculous in him. He was rather short, rather 
stout, rather red-haired ; but, in fine, for a prince, not so bad. 

So they sat and talked — the royal personages together, the Crim Tar- 
tar officers with those of Paflagonia — Giglio very comfortable with 
GruffanufF behind the throne. He looked at her with such tender eyes, 
that her heart was all in a flutter. " Oh, dear prince," said she, " how 
could you speak so haughtily in presence of their majesties ? I pro- 
test I thought I should have fainted." 

" I should have caught you in my arms," said Giglio, looking rap- 
tures. 

" Why were you so cruel to Prince Bulbo, dear prince ?" says Gruff. 

"•Because I hate him," says Gil. 

" You are jealous of him, and still love poor Angelica," cries Gruff- 
anuff, putting her handkerchief to her eyes. 

"I did, but I love her no more!" Giglio cried. "1 despise her! 
Were she heiress to twenty thousand thrones, I would despise her and 



TARTAR PRINCE, AND LAUGHS AT HIM. 



53 



scorn her. But why speak of thrones ? I have lost mine. I am too 
weak to recover it — I am alone, and have no friend." 

" Oh, say not so, dear prince !" says Gruffanufi'. 

" Besides," says he, " I am so happy here behind the throne that I 
would not change my place, no, not for the throne of the world !" 

" AVhat are you two people chattering ahout there ?" says the queen, 
who was rather good-natured, though not overburdened with wisdom. 
" It is time to dress for dinner. Giglio, show Prince Bulbo to his room. 
Prince, if your clothes have not come, we shall be very happy to see 
you as you are." But when Prince Bulbo got to his bed-room, his 
higgage was there and unpacked ; and the hair-dresser coming in, cut 
and curled him entirely to his own satisfaction ; and when the dinner- 




54 



here's a pretty figure for laughter I 



bell rang, the royal company had not to wait above five-and-twenty 
minutes until Bulbo appeared, during which time the king, who could 
not bear to wait, grew as sulky as possible. As for Giglio, he never 
left Madam Gruflanuff all this time, but stood with her in the embra- 
sure of a window, paying her compliments. At length the groom of 
the chambe»* announced his royal highness the Prince of Crim Tar- 




HOW THEY DINED AND QUARRELED AFTER. ' 00 

tary ! and the noble company went into the royal dining-room. It was 
quite a small party — ouJy the king and queen, the princess, whom 
Bulbo took out, the two princes. Countess (rruffanuff, Glumboso, the 
prime minister, and Prince Bulbc's chamberlain. You may be sure 
they had a very good dinner : let every boy or girl think of what she 
likes best, and fancy it on the table.* 

The princess talked incessantly all dinner time to the Prince of 
Crimea, who ate an immense deal too much, and never took his eyes 
off his plate, except when Giglio, who was carving a goose, sent a 
quantity of stuffing and onion sauce into one of them. Giglio only 
burst out a laughing as the Crimean prince wiped his shirt-front and 
face with his scented pocket-handkerchief. He did not make Prince 
Bulbo any apology. When the prince looked at him, Giglio would not 
look that way. When Prince Bulbo said, " Prince Giglio, may I have 
the honor of taking a glass of wine with you ?" Giglio wouldiiH answer. 
All his talk and his eyes were for Countess Gruffanuff, who, you may 
be sure, was pleased with Giglio's attentions — the vain old creature ! 
When he was not complimenting her, he was making fun of Prince 
Bulbo, so loud that Gruffanuff was always tapping him with her fan, 
and saying, "0 you satirical prince! fy, the prince will hear!" 
" Well, I don't mind," says Giglio, louder still. The king and queen 
luckily did not hear ; for her majesty was a little deaf, and the king 
thought so much about his own dinner, and, besides, made such a 
dreadful noise hobgobbling in eating it, that he heard nothing else. 
After dinner, his majesty and the queen went to sleep in their arm- 
chairs. 

This was the time Avhen Giglio began his tricks with Prince Bulbo, 
plying that young gentleman with Port, ISherry, Madeira, Champagne, 
Marsala, Cherry Brandy, and pale Ale, of all of which Master Bulbo 
drank without stint. But, in plying his guest, Giglio was obliged to 

* Here a very pretty game may be played by all the children saying what they like best 
for dinner. 



56 READ AND TAKE A WARNING By't, 

drink himself, and, I am sorry to say, took more than was good for him, 
so that the young men were very noisy, rude, and foolish when they 
joined the ladies after dinner; and dearly did they pay for that im- 
prudence, as now, my darlings, you shall hear. 

Bulbo went and sat by the piano, where Angelica was jilaying and 
singing, and ^le sang out of tune, and he upset the coffee when the. 
footman brought it, and he laughed out of place, and talked absurd- 
ly, and fell asleep, and snored horridly. Booh, the nasty pig! But, 
as he lay there, stretched on the pink satin sofa, Angelica still per- 
sisted in thinking him the most beautiful of human beings. No doubt 
the magic rose which Bulbo wore caused this infatuation on Angelica's 
part ; but is she the first young woman who has thought a silly fellow 
charming ? 

Giglio must go and sit by Gruffanuff, whose old face he, too, every 
moment began to find more lovely. He paid the most outrageous 
compliments to her. There never was such a darling — Older than he 
was ? Fiddle-de-dee ! He would marry her — he would have nothing 
but her! 

To marry the heir to the throne ! Here was a chance ! The artful 
hussy actually got a sheet of paper, and wrote upon it, " This is to 
give notice that 1, Giglio, only son of >^avio, King of Paflagonia, hereby 
promise to marry the charming and virtuous Barbara Griselda Count- 
ess Gruffanuff, and widow of the late Jenkins Gruffanuff, Esq." 

"What is it you are writing, you charming Grufly?" says Giglio, 
who was lolling on the sofa, by the writing-table. 

" Only an order for you to sign, dear prince, for giving coals and 
blankets to the poor this cold weather. Look, the king and queen are 
both asleep, and your royal highness's order will do." 

So Giglio, who was very good-natured, as Grufty well knew, signed 
the order immediately ; and, when she had it in her pocket, you may 
fancy what airs she gave herself. She was ready to flounce out of the 
room before the queen herself, as now she was the wife of the right- 



HAVE GOOD CARE OF WHAT YOU WRITE. 



57 



fill King of Paflagonia ! She would not speak to Glumboso, whom 
she thought a brute, for dejDriving her dear husband of the crown ! 
And when candles came, and she had helped to undress the queen and 




princess, she went into her own room, and actually practiced, on a 
sheet of paper, " Griselda Paflagonia," " Barbara Regina," " Grizelda 
Barbara, Paf. Reg.," and I don't know what signatures besides, against 
the day when she should be queen, forsooth ! 



58 POOR BETSINDA ! MUCH I FEAR, 



IX. 

ROW BETSINDA GOT THE WARMING-PAN. 

Little Betsiiida came in to put Grufianuff's hair in papers, and the 
countess was so pleased, that, for a wonder, she complimented Betsin- 
da. " Betsinda," she said, " you dressed my hair very nicely to-day ; 
I promised you a little present. Here are five sh — No, here is a 
pretty little ring that I picked — that I have had some time." And 
she gave Betsinda the ring she had picked up in the court. It fitted 
Betsinda exactly 

" It's like the ring the princess used to wear," says the maid. 

" No such thing," says Grufianufi^; " I have had it this ever so long. 
There — tuck me up quite comfortable. And now, as it's a very cold 
night" (the snow was beating in at the window), " you may go and 
warm dear Prince Giglio's bed, like a good girl, and then you may un- 
rip my green silk, and then you can just do me up a little cap for the 
morning, and then you can mend that hole in my silk stocking, and 
then you can go to bed, Betsinda. Mind, I shall want my cup of tea 
at five o'clock in the morning." 

" I suppose I had best warm both the young gentlemen's beds, 
ma'am," says Betsinda. 

Gruftanufi'', for reply, said, " Hau-au-ho ! — Grau-haw-hoo ! — Hong- 
hiho !" In fact, she was snoring sound asleep. 

Her room, you know, is next to the king and quten, and the prin- 
cess's is next to them. So pretty Betsinda went away for the coals 
to the kitchen, and filled the royal warming-pan. 

Now she was a very kind, merry, civil, pretty girl ; but there must 



grief's in store for you, my dear I o9 

have been something very captivating about her this evening, for all 
the women in the servants' hall began to scold and abuse her. The 
housekeeper said she was a pert, stuck-up thing ; the upper house- 
maid asked how dare she wear such ringlets and ribbons, it was quite 
improper ! The cook (for there was a woman cook as well as a man 
cook) said to the kitchen-maid that she never could see any thing in 
that creetur ; but as for the men, every one of theili, coachman, John, 
Buttons the page, and Monsieur, the Prince of Cnm Tartary's valet, 
started up, and said, 
" My eyes ! "] 

"0 mussey! ^^-. , ^^ • i -n ^ • i • « 

•^ . ^ v\ hat a pretty girl Betsinda is. 
"Ojemmany! | i . c 

" ciel ! J 

"Hands off; none of your impertinence,' you vulgar, low people!" 
says Betsinda, walking off with her pan of coals. She heard the young 
gentlemen playing at billiards as she went up stairs ; first to Prince 
Giglio's bed, which she warmed, and then to Prince Bulbo's room. 

He came in just as she had done, and as soon as he saw her, " ! 
0! 0! 0! 0! 0! what a beyou — oo — ootiful creature you are. You 
angel — you peri — you rose-bud, let me be thy bulbul — thy Bulbo too! 
Fly to the desert, fly with me ! 1 never saw a young gazelle to glad 
me with its dark blue eye that had eyes like thine. Thou nymph of 
beauty, take, take this young heart. A truer never did itself sustain 
within a soldier's waistcoat. Be mine ! Be mine ! Be Princess of 
Crim Tartary ! My royal father will approve our union : and as for 
that little carroty-haired Angelica, I do not care a fig for her any 
more." 

" Go away, your royal highness, and go to bed, please," said Bets 
sinda, with the warming-pan. 

But Bulbo said, " No, never, till thou swearest to be mine, thou love- 
ly, Ulushing, chamber-maid divine ! Here, at thy feet, the royal Bul- 
bo lies, the trembling captive of Betsinda's eyes." 



60 



JEALOUSY, IN SOME MEn's SOULS, 



And he went on, making himself so absurd and ridiculous, that Bet» 
sinda, who was full of fun, gave him a touch with the warming-pan, 
which, I promise you, made him cry " O-o-o-o!" in a very different 
manner. 




Prince Bulbo made such a noise that Prince Giglio, who heard him 
from the next room, came in to see what was the matter. As soon 
as he saw what was taking place, Giglio, in a fury, rushed on Bulbo, 
kicked him in the rudest manner up to the ceiling, and went on kick- 
ing him till his hair was quite out of curl. 

Poor Betsinda did not know whether to laugh or to cry ; the kicking 




THE RIVALS. 



WARMER BURNS THAN PANS OF COALS. 63 

certainly must hurt the prince, but then he looked so droll! When 
Gig-lio had done knocking' him up and down to the ground, and while 
he went into a corner rubbing himself, what do you think Giglio does 1 
He goes down on his own knees to Betsinda, takes her hand, begs her 
to accept his heart, and offers to marry her that moment. Fancy Bet- 
sinda's condition, who had been in love with the prince ever since she 
first saw him in the palace garden, when she was quite a little child. 

" Oh, divine Betsinda!" says the prince, "how have I lived fifteen 
years in thy company without seeing thy perfections ? What woman 
in all Europe, Asia, Africa, and America — nay, in Australia, only it is 
not yet discovered, can presume to be thy equal? Angelica? Pish': 
Gruflanuff? Phoo ! The queen ? Ha, ha! Tliou art my queen. Thou 
art the real Angelicaf-l*»€aruse thou art really angelic." 

" Oh, prince ! I am but a poor chambermaid," says Betsinda, look- 
ing, however, very much pleased. 

"Didst thou not tend me in my sickness, when all forsook me ?" con- 
tinues Giglio. " Did not thy gentle hand smooth my pillow, and bring 
me jelly and roast chicken ?" 

" Yes, dear prince, I did," says Betsinda, " and I sewed your royal 
highness's shirt-buttons on too, if you please, your royal highness," 
cries this artless maiden. 

When poor Prince Bulbo, who was now madly in love with Betsin- 
da, heard this declaration, when he saw the unmistakable glances 
which she flung upon Giglio, Bulbo began to cry bitterly, and tore 
quantities of hair out of his head, till it all covered the room like so 
much tow. 

Betsinda had left the warming-pan on the floor while the princes 
were going on with their conversation, and as they began now to quar- 
rel and be very fierce with one another, she thought proper to run away. 

" You great big blubbering booby, tearinj^ yoar hair in the corner 
there ; of course you will give me satisfaction for insulting Betsinda. 
You dare to kneel down at Princess Gifrlio's knees and kiss her hand '"' 



64 EVEN THOUGH YOU WEAR A CROWN, 

" She's not Princess Giglio !" roars out Bulbo. " She shall be Prin^ 
cess Bulbo — no other shall be Princess Bulbo." 

" You are engaged to my cousin !" bellows out Giglio. 

"I hate your cousin," says Bulbo. 

"You shall give me satisfaction for insulting her!" cries Giglio, in 
a fury. 

" I'll have your life." 

" I'll run you through." 

"I'll cut your throat." ' ■ 

" I'll blow your brains out." 

"I'll knock your head ofiV' 

" I'll send a friend to you in the morning." 

" I'll send a bullet into you in the alternoon." 

" We'll meet again," says Giglio, shaking his list in Bulbo's face ; 
and seizing up the warming-pan, he kissed it, because, forsooth, Bet- 
sinda had carried it, and rushed down stairs. What should he see on 
the landing but his majesty talking to Betsinda, whom he called by all 
sorts of fond names. His majesty had heard a row in the building, so 
he stated, and smelling something burning, had come out to see what 
the matter was. 

" It's the young gentlemen smoking, perhaps, sir," says Betsinda. 

" Charming chambermaid," says the king (like all the rest of them), 
" never mind the young men ! Turn thy eyes on a middle-aged auto- 
crat, who has been considered not ill-looking in his time." 

" Oh, sir! what will her majesty say?" cries Betsinda. 

"Her majesty!" laughs the monarch. "Her majesty be hanged! 
Am I not autocrat of Paflagonia ? Have I not blocks, ropes, axes, hang- 
men — ha ? Runs not a river by my palace wall ? Have I not sacks 
to sew up wives withal ? Say but the word, that thou wilt be mine 
own — your mistress straightway in a sack is sewn, and thou the sharer 
of my heart and throne." 

When Giglio heard these atrocious sentiments, he forgot the respeot 



BITRNLXG LOVE WILL KNOCK VOL! DOWN. 6-3 

usually paid to royalty, lifted up the warmiug-pan, and knocked down 




the king- as flat as a pancake ; after which, Master Giglio took to his 
heels and ran aAvay, and Betsinda went off screaming, and the queen, 
GruHanuir, and the princess all came out of their rooms. Fancy their 
feelings on beholding their husband, father, sovereign in this posture! 




E 



66 



SEE THE MOAARCH IN A HUFF, 



X. 



HOW KTXG VALOR OSO WAS IX A DREADFUL PASSION. 

As soon as the coals began to burn him, the kmg came to himself 
and stood up, "Ho! my captain of the guards I" his majesty exclaimed, 
stamping his royal feet with rage. piteous spectacle ! the king's nose 
was bent quite crooked by the blow of Prince Giglio ! His majesty 




ground his teeth with rage. " Hcdzof]'," he said, takin_g a death-war- 
rant out of his dressing-gown pockt-'t, ^' Jiodzoll" good HedzoH', seize 



LOOK AT LOVELY GRUFFANUFF. 



67 



upon tho prince. Thou'lt find him in his chamber two pair up. But 
now he dared, with sacrilegious hand, to strike the sacred night-cap 
of a king, and floor me with a warming-pan ! Away, no more demur ; 
the villain dies! See it be done, or else — h'm ! — ha! — h'm ! mind 
thine own eyes!" and followed by the ladies, and lifting up the tails 
of his dressing-gown, the king entered his own apartment. 

Captain Hedzofl' was very much affected, having a sincere love for 
Giglio. " Poor, poor Giglio !" he said, the tears rolling over his manly 
face and dripping down his mustaches ; " my noble young prince, is it 
my hand must lead thee to death?" 

" Lead him to fiddlestick, HedzofiV said a female voice. It was 
GrUiiianuffs who had come out in her dressing-gown when she heard 




68 CRITICS SERVE US AUTHORS THUS I 

the noise. " The 'king said you were to hang the prince. AVell, hang 
the prince." 

" I don't understand you," says Hedzoff, who was not a very clever 
man. 

"You gaby ! he didn't say irl/ich prince," says Gruffanuff. 

" No, he didn't say which, certainly," said Hedzoff'. 

" Well, tlien, take Bulbo, and hang him /" 

^Yhen Captain Hedzoff' heard this, he began to dance about for joy, 
" Obedience is a soldier's honor," says he. " Prince Bulbo 's head will 
do capitally;" and he went to arrest the prince the very first thing 
next morning. 

He knocked at the door. " Who's there ?" says Bulbo. " Captain 
Hedzoff'? Step in, pray, my good captain; I'm delighted to see you ; 
I have been expecting you." 

" Have you ?" says Hedzoff. 

" Sleibootz, my chamberlain, Avill act for me," says the prince. 

" I beg your royal highness's pardon, but you will have to act for 
yourself, and it's a pity to wake Baron Sleibootz." 

The Prince Bulbo still seemed to take the matter very coolly. " Of 
course, captain," says he, " you are come about that affair with Prince 
Giglio?" 

" Precisely," says Hedzod', " that affair of Prince Giglio." 

" Is it to be pistols or swords, captain ?" asked Bulbo. " I'm a pretty 
good hand with both ; and I'll do for Prince Giglio, as sure as my name 
is my royal highness Prince Bulbo." 

" There's some mistake, my lord," says the captain ; " the business 
is done with axes among us." 

"Axes? That's sharp work," says Bulbo. "Call my chamber- 
lain ; he'll be my second ; and in ten minutes T flatter myself you'll 
see Master Giglio's head off his impertinent shoulders. I'm hun- 
gry for his blood. Hoo-oo, aw !" and he looked as savage as an 
o->re. 



SPORT TO THEM IS DEATH TO IS. by 

" I beg your pardon, sir, but by this warrant I am to take you pris- 
oner, and hand you over to — to the executioner." 

" Pooh ! pooh ! iny good man ! ^top, I say. Ho !' hnlloa !" was all 
that this luckless prince was enabled to say ; for Hedzofi's guards, seiz- 
ing him, tied a handkerchief over his mouth and face, and carried him 
to the place of execution. 




The king, who happened to be talking to Glumboso, saw him pass, 



70 LEAVING BULBO IN THIS FIX, 

and took a pinch of snufij and said, " So much for GigUo ! Now let's 
go to breakfast." 

The captain of the guard handed over his prisoner to the sheriff', 
with the fatal order, 

"At sight, cut off the bearer's head. 

"Valoroso XXIV." 

'^ It's a mistake," says Bulbo, who did not seem to understand the 
business in the least. 

" Poo — poo — pooh !" says the sheriff. " Fetch Jack Ketch instantly. 
Jack Ketch!" 

And poor Bulbo was led to the scaffold, where an executioner with 
a block and a tremendous axe was always ready in case he should be 
wanted. 

But we must now revert to Oiglio and Betsinda. 



WE RETURN TO GRUFFy's TRICKS. 71 



XL 

WHAT GRUFFANUFF DID TO GIGLIO AND BETSINDA. 

Gruffanuff, who had seen what had happened with the king, and 
Ivnew that Giglio must come to grief, got up very early the next morn- 
ing, and went to devise some plans for rescuing her darling husband, 
as the silly old thing insisted on calling him. She found him walking 
up and down the garden, thinking of a rhyme for Betsinda {tinder 
and winda were all he could find), and, indeed, having forgotten all 
about the past evening, except- that Betsinda was the most lovely of 
beings. 

"Well, dear Giglio," says Gruff. 

"Well, dear Gruffy," says Giglio, only he was quite satirical. 

" I have been thinking, darling, what you must do in this scrape. 
You must fly the country for a while." 

" What scrape ? — fly the country ? Never, without her I love, count- 
ess," says Giglio. 

" No, she will accompany you, dear prince," she says, in her most 
ccaxing accents. " First, we must get the jewels belonging to our 
royal parents, and those of her and his present majesty. Here is the 
key, duck ; they are all yours, you know, by right ; for you are the 
rightful King of Paflagonia, and your wife will be the rightful queen." 

"Will she?" says Giglio. 

" Yes ; and, having got the jewels, go to Glumboso's apartment, 



72 



SHE HAS GIGLIO S PLIGHTED TROTH. 



where, under his bed, you will find sacks containing money to the 
amount of ^£217,000,987,439 13^. 6ld., all belonging to you, for he 
took it out of your royal father's room on the day of his death. With 
this we will fly." 

"TFe will fly ?" says Giglio. 

" Yes, you and your bride — your affianced love — your Grufly !" says 
the countess, Avith a languishing leer. 

" You, my bride!" says Giglio. "You, you hideous old woman!" 

" Oh, you, you wretch! didn't you give me this paper, promising 
marriage ?" cries Gruir. 




"Get away, you old goose! T love Rotsinda, and Retsinda only!" 
And, ill a fit of terror, he ran from her as quickly as he could. 



PRINCE AND MAID, SHE HATES THEM BOTH. 7-3 

"He! he! lie !" shrieks out Gruff; " a promise is a promise, if there 
are laws in Paflagouia ! And as for that monster, that wretch, that 
fiend, that ugly little vixen — as for that upstart, that ingrate, that 
beast, Betsinda, Master Giglio will have no little difficulty in discov- 
ering her whereabouts. He may look very long before finding her, 1 
warrant. He little knows tliat Miss Betsinda is — " 

Is — what? , Now you shall hear. Poor Betsinda got up at five 
in a winter morning to bring her cruel mistress her tea, and, instead 
of finding her in a good humor, found Gruffy as cross as two sticks. 
The countess boxed Betsinda's ears half a dozen times while she 
was dressing ; but, as poor little Betsinda was used to this kind of 
treatment, she did not feel any special alarm. " And now," says she, 
" whe.i her majesty rings her bell twice, I'll trouble you, miss, to at- 
tend," 

So, when the queen's bell rang twice, Betsinda came to her majesty 
aud made a pretty little courtesy. The queen, the princess, and 
GruffanufF were all three in the room. As soon as they saw her they 
began, 

" You wretch !" says the queen. 

" You little vulgar thing !" said the princess, 

"You beast!" says Gruffanuff. 

" Get out of my sight !" says the queen. 

"Go away with you, do!" says the princess. 

" Quit the premises!" says Gruffanufl". 

Alas ! and wo is me ! very lamentable events had occurred to Bet- 
sinda that morning, and all in consequence of that fatal warming-Dan 
business of the previous night. The king had offered to marry her ; 
of course her majesty the queen was jealous : Bulbo had fallen in love 
with her; of course Angelica was furious: Giglio was in love with 
her, and oh what a fury Gruffy was iii ! 



SEE I HOW woman's ANGER FLIES OUT, 



( cap ) I gave you," they said, all at once, and 

Take off that } petticoat > began tearing the clothes off poor Bet- 
I crown ) sinda. 




How dare you \ V^ '^"I'li .?" ( ^^"^^^^ ^^^^ queen, the 
■^ Prince 13ulbo ; > , ...^._^ 

flirt with y n • r'-^i;^ 7" \ 
( 1 mice bigho ! ; 



princess, 



and countess. 



/O 

" Give her the rags she wore when she came into the house, and 
turn her out of it!" cries the queen. 

" Mind she does not go with my shoes on, which I lent her so kind- 
ly," says the princess ; and, indeed, the princess's shoes were a great 
deal too big for Betsinda. 

"Come with me, you filthy hussy!" and, taking up the queen's 
poker, the -mel Gruffanuff drove Betsinda into her room. 

The countess went to the glass box in which she had kept Betsin- 
da's old cloak and shoe this ever so long, and said, " Take those rags, 
you little beggar creature, and strip ofi^every thing belonging to honest 
people, and go about your business ;" and she actually tore off the poor 
little delicate thing's back almost all her things, and told her to be ofi' 
out of the house. 

Poor Betsinda huddled the cloak round her back, on which were 
embroidered the letters prin .... rosal . . . and then came a great rent. 

As for the shoe, what was she to do with one poor little tootsey 
sandal? The string was still to it, so she hung it round her neck. 

"Won't you give me a pair of shoes to go out in the snow, mum, if 
you please, mum?" cried the poor child. 

"No, you wicked beast!"- says Gruffanuff, driving her along with 
the poker — driving her down the cold stairs — driving her through the 
cold hall — flinging her out into the cold street, so that the knocker it° 
self shed tears to see her ! 

But a kind fairy made the soft snow warm for her little feet, and 
she wrapped herself up in the ermine of her mantle and was gone' 

" And now let us think about breakfast," says the greedy queen. 

" What dress shall I put on, mamma — the pink or the pea-green?" 
says Angelica. " Which do you think the dear prince will like best ?" 

" Mrs. Y. !" sings out the king from his dressino--room, " Let us have 
sausages for breakfast ! Remember, we have Prince Bulbo staying 
with us !" 



■6 WHI[>E THE rope's ROUND 'BULBo's NECK FAST 



And they all went to get ready. 

Nine o'clock came, and they were all in the breakfast-room, and no 
Prince Bulbo as yet. The urn was hissinir and humming ; the muf- 
fins were smoking — such a heap of muffins ! the eggs were done ; 
there was a pot of raspberry jam, and coffee, and a beautiful chicken 
and tongue on the side-table. Marmitonio the cook brought in the 
sausages. how nice they smelled ! 

" Where is Bulbo ^" said the king. " John, where is his royal high- 
ness ?" 

John said he had a took hup his roilighnessesses shaving-water,_and 
his clothes and things, and he wasn't in his room, which he sposed his 
royliness was just stepped hout. 

"Stepped out before breakfast in the snow! Impossible!" says 
the king, sticking his fork into a sausage. " My dear, take one. An- 
gelica, wor't you have a saveloy ?" The princess took one, being very 
fond of them ; and at this moment Glumboso entered with Captain 
Hedzoft'', both looking very much disturbed. " I am afraid your maj- 
esty — " cries Glumboso. " No business before breakfast, Glum !" 
says the king. "Breakfast first, business next. Mrs. V., some more' 
sugar !" 

" Sire, I am afraid if we wait till after breakfast it will be too late," 
says Glumboso. "He — he — he'll be hanged at half past nine." 

" Don't talk about hanging and spoil my breakfast, you unkind, vul- 
gar man you," cries the princess. " John, some mustard. Pray who 
is to be hanged ?" 
^ " Sire, it is the prince," whispers Glumboso to the king. 

" Talk about business after breakfast, I tell you !" says his majesty, 
quite sulky. 

" We shall have a war, sire, depend on it," says the minister. " His 
father. King Pad eh a ..." 

" His father. King wJm .?" says the king. " King Padclla is not Gig- 
lio's father. My brother, King Savio, was Giiilio's father." 



KING Ai\D QUEEN SIT DOWN TO BREAKFAt^T. 77 

" It's Prince Bulbo they are hanging, sire, not Prince Giglio," said 
the prime minister. 

" You told me to hang the prince, and I took the ugly one," says 
Hedzoff. "I didn't, of course, think your majesty intended to murder 
your own flesh and blood !" 

The king for all reply flung the plate of sausages at Hedzoff's head 
The princess cried out "Hee-karee-karee !" and fell down in a fainting- 
fit. 

" Turn the cock of the urn upon her royal highness," said the king, 
and the boiling water gradually revived her. His majesty looked at 
his watch, compared it by the clock in the parlor, and by that of the 
church in the square opposite ; then he wound it up ; then he looked 
at it again. " The great question is," says he, " am I fast or am I slow ? 
If I am slow, we may as well go on with breakfast. If I'm fast, why 
there is just the possibility of saving Prince Bulbo. It's a doosid awk- 
ward mistake, and, upon my word, Hedzoff, I have the greatest mind 
to have you hanged too." 

" 8ire, I did but my duty ; a soldier has but his orders. I didn't 
expect, after forty-seven years of faithful service, that my sovereign 
would think of putting me tp a felon's death !" 

" A hundred thousand plagues upon you ! Can't you see that, while 
you are talking, my Bulbo is being hung!" screamed the princess. 

" By Jove ! she's always right, that girl, and I'm so absent," says 
the king, looking at his watch again. "Ha! there go the drums! 
What a doosid awkward thing, though !" 

" papa, you goose ! Write the reprieve, and let me run with it," 
cries the princess, and she got a sheet of paper, and pen and ink, and 
laid them before the king. 

" Confound it ! Where are my spectacles ?" the monarch exclaimed. 
" Angelica ! Go up into my bed-room, look under my pillow — not your 
mamma's ; there you'll see my keys. Bring them down to me, and — 
well, well! what impetuous things these girls are!" Angelica was; 



78 HERE, UPON THE VERY SCAFFOLD, 

gone, and had run up panting to the bed-room, and found the keys, 
and was back again before the king had finished a mufhn. " Kow, 
love," says he, " you must go all the way back for my desk, in which 

my spectacles are. If yoti would but have heard me out Be 

hanged to her ! There she is ofiagain ! Angelica ! Angelica !" When 
his majesty called in his loud voice, she knew she must obey, and came 
back. 

" My dear, when you go out of a room, how often have I told you, 
shut the door! That's a darling. That's all." At last the keys, and 
the desk, and the spectacles were got, and the king mended his pen, 
and signed his name to a reprieve, and Angelica ran with it as swift 
as the wind. "You'd better stay, my love, and finish the muffins. 
There's no use going. Be sure it's too late. Hand me over that rasp- 
berry jam, pl©ase," said the monarch. "Bong! Bawong ! There goes 
the half hour. I knew it was." 

Angelica ran, and ran, and ran, and ran. She ran up Fore Street, 
and down High Street, and through the market-place, and down to the 
left, and over the bridge, and up the blind alley, and back again, and 
round by the castle, and so along by the haberdasher's on the right, 
opposite the lamp-post, and rouiul the square, and she came — she 
came to the execution jolace, where she saw Bulbo laying his head on 
the block ! ! ! The executioner raised his axe, but at that moment the 
princess came panting up, and cried " Reprieve !" " Reprieve !" 
screamed the princess. " Reprieve!" shouted all the people. Up the 
scaffold stairs she sprang with the agility of a lighter of lamps, and 
flinging herself in Bulbo's arms, regardless of all ceremony, she cried 
out, " my prince ! my lord ! my love ! ray Bulbo ! Thine Angelica 
has been in time to save thy jjrecious existence, sweet rosebud ; to 
prevent thy being nipped in thy young bloom ! Had aught befallen 
thee, Angelica too had died, and welcomed death that joined her to 
her Bulbo." 

" H'm ! there's no accounting for tastes," said Bulbo, looking so very 




ANGELICA ARRIVES JUST I.N TIM 



81 

muc-li puzzled and uucoiiiibrtable, that the jn'iucess, in tones of tender- 
est strain, asked the cause of his disquiet. 

" I tell you what it is, x\ngelica," said lie, " since I caine here yes- 
terday, there lias been such a row, and disturbance, and quarreliufr. 
and lighting, and ciiopping of heads oh", and the deuce to pay, that f 
am inclined to go back to Crim Tartary.*' 

" But with me as thy bride, my Bulbo ! Though wherever thou art 
is Crim Tartary to me, my bold, my beautiful, my Bulbo !" 

" Well, well, I suppose we must be married," says Bulbo. " Doctor, 
you came to read the Funeral Service — read the Marriage f^ervicc, 
will you? AYhat must be, must. That will satisfy Angelica; and 
then, in the name of peace and quietness, do let us go back to break- 
fast." 

Bulbo had carried a rose in his mouth all the lime of the dismal 
ceremony. It was a fairy rose, and he was told by his mother that he 
ought never to part with it ; so he had kept it between his teeth, even 
when he laid his poor head upon the block, hoping vaguely that some 
chance would turn up in his favor. As he began to speak to Angel- 
ica, he forgot about the rose, and of course it dropped out of his mouth. 
The romantic princess instantly stooped and seized it. '' Sweet rose !" 
she exclaimed, " that bloomed upon my Bulbo's lip, never, never will 
I part from thee!" and she placed it in her bosom. And you know 
Bulbo couldnH ask her to give the rose back again. And they went to 
breakfast ; and as they walked, it appeared to Bulbo that Angelica be- 
came more exquisitely lovely every moment. 

He was frantic until they were married ; and now, strange to say, it 
was Angelica who didn't care about him ! He knelt down ; he kissed 
her hand ; he prayed and begged ; he cried with admiration ; while 
she, for her part, said she really thought they might wait; it seemed 
to her he was not handsome any more — no, not at all : quite the re- 
verse ; and not clever — no, very stupid ; and not well bred, like (Tiglio 
— no, on the contrary, dreadfullv vul — " 

F 



82 BULBO AND HIS BRIDE ARE MARRIED. 

What, I can not say, for King Yaloroso roared out, " Pooh! stuff!" 
in a terrible voice. " \Ye will have no more of this shilly-shallying! 
Call the archbishop, and let the prince and princess be married off- 
hand !" 

So married they were, and I am sure , for my part, I trust they will 
be happy. 



83 



XII. 

HOW BETSINDA FLED, AND WHAT BECAME OF HER. 

Betsinda wandered on and on, till she passed through the town 
gates, and so on the great Grim Tartary road, the very way on which 
Giglio too was going. "Ah!" thought she, as the diligence passed 
her, of which the conductor was blowing a delightful tune on his horn, 
" how I should like to be on that coach !" But the coach and the 
jingling horses were very soon gone. She little knew who was in it, 
though very likely she was thinking of him all the time. 

Then came an empty cart, returning from market ; and the driver, 
being a kind man, and seeing such a very pretty girl trudging along 
the road with bare feet, most good-naturedly gave her a seat. He 
said he lived on the confines of the forest, where his old father was a 
woodman, and, if she liked, he would take her so far on her road. 
All roads were the same to little Betsinda, so she very thankfully took 
this one. 

And the carter put a cloth round her bare feet, and gave her some 
bread and cold bacon, and was very kind to her. For all that, she 
was very cold and melancholy. When after traveling on and on, 
evening came, and all the black pines were bending with snow, and 
there, at last, was the comfortable light beaming in the woodman's 
windows ; and so thev arrived, and went into his cottage. He was 



84 



TO A HUT SHE GAINS ADMISSION, 



an old man, and had a number of children, who were just at supper, 
with nice hot bread and milk, when their elder brother arrived with 
the cart. And they jumped and clapped their hands ; for they were 
good children, and he had brought them toys from the town. And 
when they saw the pretty stranger, they ran to her, and brought her 
to the fire, and rubbed her poor little feet, and brought her bread and 
milk . 




" Look, father!" they said to the old woodman, " look at this poor 
girl, and see what pretty cold feet she has. They are as wliite as our 
milk ! And look and see what an odd cloak she has, just like tiie bit 
of velvet that hangs up in our cupboard, ami whi(di you ioitud that 
day the little cubs were killed by King radella, in the forest! And 



WHAT A TUUCmXG RHCOGNITION I 



80 



look ■ why, bless us all ! she has got round her neck just such another 
little shoe as that you brought home, and have shown us so often — a 
little blue velvet shoe !*' 

" AYhat," said the old woodman, " what is all this about a shoe and 
a cloak ?" 

And Betsinda explained that she had been left, when quite a little 
child, at the town with this cloak and this shoe. And the persons 
who had taken care of her had — had been angry with her for no fault, 
she hoped, of her own. And they had sent her away with her old 
clothes — and here, in fact, she was. She remembered having been 
in a forest, and — perhaps it was a dream — it was so very odd and 
strange — having lived in a cave with lions there ; and, before that, 
having lived in a very, very fine house, as fine as the king's, in the 
town. 

When the woodman heard this, he was so astonished, it was quite 
curious to see how astonished he was. He went to his cupboard, and 
took out of a stocking a five-shilling piece of King Cavolfiore, and 
vowed it was exactly like the young woman. And then he produced 




the shoe and piece of velvet which he had kept so long, and compared 
them with the things which Betsinda wore. In Betsinda's little shoe 
was written, "Hopkins, maker to the royal family;" so in the other 
shoe was written, " Hopkins, maker to the royal family." In the in- 



86 CHAMPION BOLD OF RIGHT AND BEAUTY, 

side of Betsiuda's piece of cloak was embroidered, " prix rosal ;" in 
the other piece of cloak was embroidered, " cess ba. No. 246 ;" so 
that, when put together, you read, " princess rosalba. No. 246." 

On seeing this, the dear old woodman fell down on his knee, saying, 
" my princess, my gracious royal lady, my rightful Q.ueen of 
Crim Tartary ! I hail thee — I acknowledge thee — I do thee homage !" 
And, in token of his fealty, he rubbed his venerable nose three times 
on the ground, and put the princess's foot on his head. 

" AVhy," said she, " my good woodman, you must be a nobleman 
of my royal father's court !" for in her lowly retreat, and under the 
name of Betsinda, Her Majesty, Rosalba, Glueen of Crim Tartary, 
had read of the customs of all foreign courts and nations. 

"Marry indeed am I, my gracious liege — the poor Lord Spinachi 
once — the humble woodman these fifteen years syne, ever since the 
tyrant Fadella {may ruin overtake the treacherous knave !) dismissed 
me from my post of first lord." 

" First Lord of the Toothpick and Joint Keeper of the Snufl-box ? 
I mind me ! Thou heldest these posts under our royal sire. They are 
restored to thee. Lord Spinachi ! I make thee knight of the second 
class of our Order of the Pumpkin (the first class being reserved for 
crowned heads alone). Rise, Marquis of iSpinachi !" And, with inde- 
scribable majesty, the queen, who had no sword handy, waved the 
pewter spoon with which she had been taking her bread and milk 
over the bald head of the old nobleman, whose tears absolutely made 
a puddle on the ground, and whose dear children went to bed that 
night Lords and Ladies Bartolomeo, Ubaldo, Catarina, and Ottavia degli 
Spinachi ! 

The acquaintance Her Majesty showed with the history and nool^ 
families of her empire was wonderful. " The house of Broccoli should 
remain faithful to us," she said ; " they were ever welcome at our 
court. Have the Articiocchi, as was their wont, turned to the Rising 
Sun? The family of Sauerkraut must sure be with us — they were 



ever welcome in the halls of King C\'ivoiriore." And so she went oii 
enumerating quite a list of the nobility and gentry of Grim Tartary, 
so admirably had her majesty profited by her studies while in exile. 

The old Marquis of ?Spinachi said he could answer for them all ; that 
the whole country groaned under Padella's tyranny, and longed to re- 
turn to its rightful sovereign ; and late as it was, he sent his children, 
who knew the forest well, to summon this nobleman and that ; and 
when his eldest son, who had been rubbing the horse down and giving 
him his supper, came into the house for his own, the marquis told him 
to put his boots on, and a saddle on the mare, and ride hither and 
thither to such and such people. 

When the young man heard who his companion in the cart had been, 
he too knelt down, and put her royal foot on his head ; he too bedewed 
the ground with his tears ; he was frantically in love with her, as every 
body now was who saw her ; so were the young Lords Bartolomeo 
and Ubaldo, who punched each other's little heads out of jealousy ; 
and so, when they came from east and west, at the summons of the 
Marquis degli !S]}inachi, vrere the Crim Tartar lords who still remained 
faithful to the house of Cavolliore. They were such very old gentle- 
men, for the most part, that her majesty never suspected their absurd 
passion, and went among them quite unaware of the havoc her beauty 
was causing, until an old blind lord, who had joined her party, told her 
what the truth was ; after which, for fear of making the people too 
much in love with her, she always wore a veil. She went about pri- 
vately from one nobleman's castle to another, and they visited among 
themselves again, and had meetings, and composed proclamations and 
counter-proclamations, and distributed all the best places of the king- 
dom among one another, and selected Avho of the opposition party 
should be executed when the queen came to her own. And so, in 
about a year, they were ready to move. 

The party of Fidelity was, in truth, composed of very feeble old 
fogies, for the most part ; they went about the country waving their 



88 



YOU, WHO Wl'I'II SUCCESS WOULD FIGHT, 



old svvorJ.s and flags, and calling "God save the queen!'' and King 
Padella happening to be absent upon an invasion, they had their ovv^n 




way ibr a little ; and to l)e sure the people were very enthusiastic 
whenever they saw the queen. Otherwise, the vulgar took matters 
very quietly ; for they said, as far as they could recollect, they were 
pretty well as much taxed in Cavolhore's time as now in Padella's 



fillOULD BE STRONG AS WELL AS RIGHT, 89 



XTTT. 

HOW QUEEN ROSALBA CAME TO THE CASTLE OF THE BOLD COUNT 

HOGGINARMO. 

Her Majestv, having indeed nothing else to give, made all her fol- 
lowers Knights of the Pumpkin, and marquises, earls, and baronets, 
and they had a little court for her, and made her a little crown of 
gilt paper, and a robe of cotton velvet; and they quarreled about the 
places to be given away in her court, and about rank, and precedence, 
and dignities — you can't think how they quarreled ! The poor queen 
was very tired of her honor's before she had them a month, and I dare 
say sighed sometimes even to be a lady's maid again. But we must 
all do our duty in our respective stations, so the queen resigned her- 
self to perform hers. 

We have said how it happened that none of the usurper's troops 
came out to oppose this Army of Fidelity: it pottered along as nimbly 
as the gout of the principal commanders allowed ; it consisted of twice 
as many officers as soldiers, and at length passed near the estates of 
one of the most powerful noblemen of the country, who had not de- 
clared for the queen, but of whom her party had hopes, as he was al- 
ways quarreling with King Padella. 

When they came close to his park gates, this nobleman sent to say 



90 



HOW COUNT IIOGGINARMO WOo'd HER. 



he would wait upon her majesty. He was a most powerful warrior, 
and his name was Count Hogofinarrno, whose helmet it took two strong 
negroes to carry. He knelt down before her and said. " Madame and 




liege lady! it becomes the great nobles of the Crimean realm to shew 
every outward sign of respect to the wearer of the crown, whoever 



SURELY NOTHING COULD BE RUDER. 91 

that may be. We testify to our own nobility in acknowledging yours 
Tlie bold Hogginarmo bends the knee to the first of the aristocracy of 
his country." 

Rosalba said, " The bold Count of Hogginarmo was uncommonly 
kind." But she felt afraid of him, even while he was kneeling, and 
his eyes scowled at her from between his whiskers, wliich grew up 
to them. 

"The first count of the empire, madam," he went on, " salutes the 
sovereign ! The prince addresses himself to the not more noble lady ! 
Madam, my hand is free, and I ofi'er it, and my heart and my sword, 
to your service ! My three wives lie buried in my ancestral vaults. 
The third perished but a year since ; and this heart pines for a con- 
sort ! Deign to be mine, and I swear to bring to your bridal table the 
head of King Padella, the eyes and nose of his son. Prince Bulbo, the 
right hand and ears of the usurping sovereign of Paflagonia, which 
country shall thenceforth be an appanage to your — to our crown ! Say 
yes ; Hogginarmo is not accustomed to be denied. Indeed, I can not 
contemplate the possibility of a refusal, for frightful will be the result ; 
dreadful the murders ; furious the devastations ; horrible the tyranny ; 
tremendous the tortures, misery, taxation, which the people of this 
realm will endure, if Hogginarmo's wrath be aroused ! I see consent 
in your majesty's lovely eyes — their glances fill my soul with rap- 
ture !" 

" sir," Rosalba said, withdrawing her hand in great fright, "your 
lordship is exceedingly kind, but I am sorry to tell you that I have a 
prior attachment to a young gentleman of the name of — Prince — Giglio 
— and never — never can marry any one but him." 

Who can describe Hogginarmo's wrath at this remark ? Rising up 
from the ground, he ground his teeth so that fire flashed out of his 
mouth, from which, at the same time, issued remarks and language so 
loud, violent, and improper, that this pen shall never repeat them! 
"R-r-r-r-r-r — rejected! Fiends and perdition! The bold Hogginarmo 



92 



MUCH I FEAR YOUR REIGN IS OVER. 



rejected ! All the world shall hear of my raire ; and you, madam, you, 
above all, shall rue it !" And, kickinc^ the two negroes before him, he 
rushed awav, his whiskers streamini!: in the wind. 







Her majesty's privy council was in a dreadful panic when they saw 
Hogginarmo issue from the royal presence in such a towering rage, 
making footballs of the poor negroes — a panic which the events justi- 
fied. They marched off from Hogginarmo's park very crestfallen ; 
and in another half hour they were met by that rapacious chieftain 
with a f(5W of his followers, who cut, slashed, charired, whacked, ban<r- 



93 

ed, and pommeled among- them, took the queen prisoner, and drove 
the Army of Fidelity to I don't know where. 

Poor queen ! Hogginarmo, her conqueror, would not condescend to 
see her. " Get a horse-van !" he said to his grooms ; " clap the hussy 
into it, and send her, with my compliments, to his majesty. King Pa- 
della." 

Along with his lovely prisoner, Hogginarmo sent a letter full of ser- 
vile compliments and loathsome flatteries to King Padella, for whose 
life and that of his royal family the hypocritical humbug pretended to 
offer the most fulsome prayers. And Hogginarmo promised speedily 
to pay his humble homage at his august master's throne, of which he 
begged leave to be counted the most loyal and constant defender. 
iSuch a wan/ old bird as King Padella was not to be caught by Master 
Hogginarmo's clia.f. and we shall hear presently how the tyrant treat- 
ed his upstart vassal. No, no ; depend on't, two such rogues do not 
trust one another. 

Ho this poor queen was laid in the straw like Margery Daw, and 
driven along in the dark ever so many miles to the court, where King 
Padella had now arrived, having vanquished all his enemies, murder- 
ed most of them, and brought some of the richest into captivity with 
him, for the purpose of torturing tbem and finding out where they had 
hidden their money. 

Rosalba heard their shrieks and groans in the dungeon in which she 
was thrust — a most awful black hole, full of bats, rats, mice, toads, 
frogs, mosquitoes, bugs, fleas, serpents, and every kind of horror. No 
light was let into it, otherwise the jailers might have seen her and 
fallen in love with her, as an owl that lived up in the roof of the tower 
did ; and a cat, you know, who can see in the dark, and, having set its 
green eyes en Rosalba, never would be got to go back to the turnkey's 
wife, to whom it belonged. And the toads in the dungeon came and 
kissed her feet, and the vipers Avound round her neck and arms, and 
never hurt her, so charming was this poor princess in the midst of her 
misfortunes. 



94 



KING PAUELLA COMES A WOOING. 



At last, after she had been kept in this place ever so long, the door 
of the dungeon opened, and the terrible King Padella came in. 




But Avhat he said and did must be reserved for another chapter, as 
we must now go back to Prince Giglio. 



HERE WE SEE WHAT GIGLIO S DOING. 95 



XIV. 

WHAT BECAME OF GIGLIO. 

The idea of marrying such an old creature as Grufiaiiuff fright- 
ened Prince Giglio so, that he ran up to his room, packed his trunks, 
fetched in a couple of porters, and was off to the diligence office in a 
twinkling. 

It was well that he was so quick in his operations, did not dawdle 
over his luggage, and took the early coach; for, as soon as the mis- 
take about Prince Bulbo was fouixd out, that cruel Glumboso sent up 
a couple of policemen to Prince Ciiglio's room, with orders that he 
should be carried to Xewgate, and his head taken off before twelve 
o'clock. But the coach was out of the Paflagonian dominions before 
two o'clock ; and I dare say the express that was sent after Prince 
Giglio did not ride very quick, for many people in Paflagonia had a 
regard for Giglio, as the son of their old sovereign ; a prince, who, 
with all his M-eaknesses, was very much better than his brother the 
reigning, usurping, lazy, careless, passionate, tyrannical, reigning 
monarch. That prince busied himself with the balls, fetes, mas- 
querades, hunting parties, and so forth, which he thought proper to 
give on occasion of his daughter's marriage to Prince Bulbo ; and, let 
us trust, was- not sorry in his own heart that his brother's son had es- 
caped the scaffold. 

It was very cold weather, and the snow was on the ground, and 
Giglio, who gave his name as simple Mr. Gills, was very glad to get 



96 



AS BECOMES HIS LINEAGE KNIGHTLY, 



a conifortable place in the coupe of the diligence, where he sat with 
the conductor and another gentleman. At the first stage from Blom- 
bodinga, as they stopped to change horses, there came up to the dili- 




gence a very ordinary, vulgar-looking woman, with a hag under her 
arm, who asked for a place. All the inside places were taken, and 



MASTER GIGLIO ACTS POLITELY. 



97 



the young woman was informed that if she wished to travel, she 
must go upon the roof; and the passenger inside with Giglio (a rude 
person, T slionld think) put his head out of the window, and said, 
•' iHice Aveatlier ibr traveling outside ! I wish you a pleasant journey, 




1'^ 



lir«*"' 



my dear." The poor woman coughed very much, and Giglio pitied 
her. " I will give up my place to her," says he, " rather than she 
should travel in the cold air with that horrid cough." On which the 
vulgar traveler said, "■'You'd keep her warm, I am sure, if it's a mufi 
she wants." On which Giglio pulled his nose, boxed his ears, hit him 
in the eye, and gave this vulgar person a warning never to call him 
77^'/^ again. 

Then he sprang up gayly on to the roof of the diligence, and made 
himself very comfortable in the- straw. The vulgar traveler got 
down only at the next station, and Giglio took his place again, and 
talked to the person next to him. She appeared to be a most agree- 
able, w^ell-informed, and entertaining female. They traveled to- 

G 



98 



OF THE BAG, AND HOW SHE GAVE IT. 



gether till night, and she gave Giglio all sorts of things ont of the 
bag which she carried, and which, indeed, seemed to contain the 
most wonderfnl collection of articles. He was thirsty — out there 
came a pint bottle of Bass's pale ale, and a silver mug! Hungry — 
she took out a cold fowl, some slices of ham, bread, salt, and a most 
delicious piece of cold plum-pudding, and a little glass of brandy aft- 
erward. 

As they traveled, this plain-looking, queer woman talked to Giglio 
on a variety of subjects, in which the poor prince showed his igno- 
rance as much as she did her capacity. He owned, with many 
blushes, how ignorant he was; on which the lady said, "My dear 
Gigl — my good Mr. Gills, you are a young man, and have plenty of 
time before you. You have nothing to do but to improve yourself. 
Who knows but that you may find use for your knowledge some 
day, when — when you may be wanted at home, as some people 
may be ?" 

" Good heavens, madam !" says he, " do you know me ?" 

" I know a number of funny things," says the lady. " I have 
been at some people's christenings, and turned away from other 
folk's doors. I have seen some people spoiled by good fortune, 
and others, as I hope, improved by hardship. I advise you to stay 
at the town where the coach stops for the night. ►^tay there 
and study, and remember your old friend to whom you were 
kind." 

" And who is my old friend ?" asked Giglio. 

" When you want any thing," says the lady, " look in this bag, which 
I leave to you as a present, and be grateful to — " 

" To whom, madam ?" says he. 

" To the Fairy Blackstick," says the lady, flying out of the win- 
dow. And when Giglio asked the conductor if he knew where the 
lady was, 

"What lady?" says the man. "There has been no lady in this 



:h 



99 

coach, except the old woman, who got out at the last stage." And 
Giglio thought he had been dreammg. But there was the bag which 
Blackstick had given him lying on his lap ; and when he came to the 
town, he took it in his hand, and went into the inn. 

They gave him a very bad bed-room ; and Giglio, when he woke in 
the morning, fancying himself in the royal palace at home, called, 
" John ! Charles ! Thomas ! My chocolate ! my dressing-gown ! my 
slippers!" But nobody came. There was no bell, so he went and 
bawled out for waiter on the top of the stairs. 

The landlady came up, looking — looking like this— 




" What are you a hollaring and a bellaring for here, young man V 
says she. 

" There's no warm water — no servants ; my boots are not even 
cleaned." 

" He, he ! Clean 'em yourself," says the landlady. -' You young 
students give yourselves pretty airs. I never heard such impudence." 

" I'll quit the house this instant," says Giglio. 

" The sooner the better, young man. Pay your bill and be off. All 
my rooms is wanted for gentlefolks, and not for such as you." 



Lof 



100 



HUMBLE PIE IS WHOLESOME MEAT, 



" You may well keep the Bear Inn," said Giglio. " You should 
have yourself painted as the sign." 

The landlady of the Bear went away growling. And Giglio return- 
ed to his room, where the first thing he saw was the fairy bag lying 
on the table, which seemed to give a little hop as he came in. " I 
hope it has some breakfast in it," says Giglio, " for I have only a very 
little money left." But on opening the bag, what do you think was 




there 1 A blacking-brush and a pot of Wairen's jet, and on the pot 
was written, 



GOOD FOR ALL OF US TO KAT. 101 

" Poor young men their boots must black. 
Use me, and cork me, and put me back." 

So Cxiglio laughed and blacked his boots, and put back the brush and 
the bottle into the bag. 

When he had done dressing himself, the bag gave another little 
hop, and he went to it and took out — 

1. A table-cloth and a napkin. 

2. A sugar-basin full of the best loaf sugar. 

4, 6, 8, 10. Two forks, two teaspoons, two knives, and a pair of 
sugar-tongs, and a butter-knife, all rparked G. 
11, 12, 13. A tea-cup, saucer, and slop-basin. 

14. A jug full of delicious cream. 

15. A canister with black tea and green. 

16. A large tea-urn and boiling water. 

17. A saucepan, containing three eggs nicely done. 

18. A quarter of a pound of best Epping butter. 

19. A brown loaf. 

And if he hadn't enough now for a good breakfast, I should like to 
know who ever had one. 

Giglio, having had his breakfast, popped all the things back into 
the bag, and went out looking for lodgings. I forgot to say that this 
celebrated university town was called. Bosforo. 

He took a modest lodging opposite the schools, paid his bill at the 
inn, and went to his apartment with his trunk, carpet bag, and not 
forgetting, we may be sure, his other bag. 

AVhen he opened his trunk, which the day before he had filled with 
his best clothes, he found it contained only books. And in the first 
of th«m which he opened there was written, 

" Clothes for the back, books for the head : 
Read, and remember them when they are read." 

And in his bag, when Giglio looked in it, he found a stuc^ent's cap and 



102 IN THE PAPERS HERE WE READ 

gown, a writing-book full of paper, an inkstand, pens, and a Johnson's 
Dictionary, which was very useful to him, as his spelling had been 
sadly neglected. 

^^0 he sat down, and worked away very, very hard for a whole 
year, during which " Mr. Giles" was quite an example to all the 
students in the University of Bosforo. He never got into any riots 
or disturbances. The professors all spoke well of him, and the stu- 
dents liked him too ; so that when, at examination, he took all the 
prizes, viz., 

f The Spelling Pri«:e, C The French Prize, 



J The ATriting Prize, J The Arithmetic Prize, 






The History Prize, i The Latin Prize, 

I The Catechism Prize, I The Good Conduct Prize, 

all his fellow-students said, "Hurray ! Hurray for Giles ! Giles is the 
boy — the students' joy ! Hurray for Giles !" And he brought quite a 
quantity of medals, crowns, books, and tokens of distinction home to 
his lodgings. 

One day after the examinations, as he was diverting himself at a 
coffee-house with two friends (did I tell yon that in his bag, every 
Saturday night, he found just enough to pay his bills, with a guinea 
over, for pocket-money ? Didn't I tell you ? Well, he did, as sure as 
twice twenty makes forty-five), he chanced to look in the "Bosforo 
Chronicle," and read off, quite easily (for he could spell, read, and write 
the longest words now), the following : 

" Romantic Circumstance. — One of the most extraordinary adven- 
tures that we have ever heard has set the neighboring country of Crim 
Tartary in a state of great excitement. 

" It will be remembered that when the present revered sovereign 
of Crim Tartery, his majesty, King Padclla, took possession of the 
throne, after having vanquished, in the terrific battle of Blunderbusco, 
the late King Cavolfiorr, that prince's only child, the Princess Rosalba, 



MOST IMPORTANT NEWS INDEED. 103 

was not found in the royal palace, of which King- Padella took posses- 
sion, and, it was said, had strayed into the forest (being abandoned by 
all her attendants), where she had been eaten up by those ferocious 
lions, the last pair of which were captured some time since, and brought 
to the Tower, after killing several hundred persons. 

" His majesty. King Padella, who has the kindest heart in the world, 
was grieved at the accident which had occurred to the harmless lit- 
tle princess, for whom his majesty's known benevolence would cer- 
tainly have provided a fitting establishment. But her death seemed 
to be certain. The mangled remains of a cloak, and a little shoe, 
were found in the forest during a hunting party, in which the in- 
trepid sovereign of Crim Tartary slew two of the lions' cubs with his 
own spear. And these interesting relics of an innocent little crea- 
ture were carried home and kept by their finder, the Baron Spinachi, 
formerly an officer in Cavolfiore's household. The baron was dis- 
graced in consequence of his known legitimist opinions, and has lived 
for some time in the humble capacity of a wood-cutter, in a forest on 
the outskirts of the kingdom of Crim Tartary. 

" Last Tuesday week. Baron Spinachi, and a number of gentlemen 
attached to the former dynasty, appeared in arms, crying ' God save 
Rosalba, the first queen of Crim Tartary!' and surrounding a lady 
whom report describes as ' beautiful exceedingly.'' Her history may be 
authentic, is certainly most romantic. 

" The personage calling herself Rosalba states that she was brought 
out of the forest fifteen years since by a lady in a car drawn by 
dragons (this account is certainly improbable) ; that she Avas left in 
the palace garden of Blombodinga, where her Royal Highness the 
Princess Angelica, now married to his Royal Highness Bulbo, Crown 
Prince of Crim Tartary, found the child, and, with that elegant be- 
nevolence which has always distinguished the heiress of the throne 
of Paflagonia, gave the little outcast a shelter and a home ! Her 
parentage not being known, and her garb very humble, the found- 



104 ON PERUSAL OF THIS LETTER, 

ling was educated in the palace in a menial capacity, under the name 
of Betsinda. 

" She did not give satisfaction, and Avas dismissed, carrying with 
her, certainly, part of a mantle and a shoe which she had on when 
first found. According to her statement, she quitted Blomhodinga 
about a year ago, since which time she has been with the Spinachi 
lamily. On the very same morning, the Prince Giglio, nephew to the 
King of Paflagonia, a young prince whose character for talent and 
order were, to say truth, none of the highest, also quitted Blombodingaj 
and has not been since heard of!" 

" AA hat an extraordinary story!" said ?^mith and Jones, two youno- 
students, Giglio's especial friends. 

" Ha ! what is this ?" Giglio went on, reading — 

" Second Editiox, Express. — We hear that the troop under Baron 
Spinachi has been surrounded, and utterly routed, by General Count 
Hogginarmo, and the soi-disant princess is sent a prisoner to the 
capital. 

"University Tvews. — Yesterday, at the schools, the distinguished 
young student, Mr. Giles, read a Latin oration, and was complimented 
by the Chancellor of Bosforo, Dr. Prugnaro, with the highest Univer- 
sity honor — the wooden spoon." 

" Never mind that stuff," says Giles, greatly disturbed. " Come 
home with me, my friends. Gallant Smith ! intrepid Jones ! friends 
of my studies — partakers of my academic toils — 1 have that to tell 
shall astonish your honest minds." 

" Go it, old boy !" cried the impetuous Smith. 

" Talk away, my buck !" says Jones, a lively fellow. 

"With an air of indescribable dignity, Giglio checked their natural, 
but no more seemly familiarity. " Jones, Smith, my good friends," 
said the Prince, " disguise is henceforth useless ; I am no more the 
humble student Giles-^I am the descendant of a royal line." 

" Atavis edite rcmbus I know, old co ," cried Jones — he was 



107 

going to say old cock, but a flash from the royal eye agai'i aw^ed 
him . 

" Friends," continued the prince, " I am that Gigho — I am, in fact, 
Paflagonia. Rise, Smith, and kneel not in the public street. Jones, 
thou true heart! My faithless uncle, when I was a baby, filched 
from me that brave crawn my father left me, bred me all young 
and careless of my rights, like unto hapless Hamlet, Prince of Den- 
mark ; and had I any thoughts about my wrongs, soothed me with 
promises of near redress. I should espouse his daughter, young An- 
gelica ; we two, indeed, should reign in Paflagonia. His words were 
false — false as Angelica's heart! false as Angelica's hair, color, front 
teeth ! She looked with her skew eyes upon young Bulbo, Grim 
Tartary's stupid heir, and she preferred him. 'Twas then I turned' 
my eyes upon Betslnda — Rosalba, as she now is. And I saw in her 
the blushing sum of all perfection — the pink of maiden modesty — the 
nymph that my fond heart had ever woo'd in dreams," &c., &Co 

(1 don't give this speech, which was very fine, but very long ; and 
though Smith and Jones knew nothing about the circumstances, my 
dear reader does, so I go on.) 

The prince and his young friends hastened home to his apartments, 
highly excited by the intelligence, as no doubt by the royal narratcr^s 
admirable manner of recounting it, and they ran up to his room where 
he had worked so hard at his books. 

On his writing-table was his bag, grown so long that the prince 
could not help remarking it. He went to it, opened it, and what do 
you think he found in it? 

A splendid long, gold-handled, red-velvet-scabbarded cut-and-thrust 
sword, and on the sheath was embroidered "Rosalba forever !" 

He drew out the sword, which flashed and illuminated the whole 
room, and called out " Rosalba forever!" Smith and Jones following 
him, but quite respectfully this time, and taking the time from his 
royal hirrhncss. 



108 NOW GOOD-BV TO BOOK AND PEN. 

And now his trunk opened with a sudden pong, and out there 
came three ostrich feathers in a gold crown, surrounding a beautiful 
shining steel helmet, a cuirass, a pair of spurs, finally a complete suit 
of armor. 

The books on Giglio's shelves were all gone. Where there had 
been some great dictionaries, Giglio's friends found two pairs of jack- 
boots, labeled "Lieutenant Smith,"" — Jones, Esq.," which fitted 
them to a nicety. Besides, there were helmets, back and breast 
plates, swords, kc, just like in Mr. G. P. U. James's novels, and that 
evening three cavaliers might have been seen issuing from the gates 
of Bosforo, in whom the joorters, proctors, kc, never thought of recog- 
nizing the young prince and his friends. 

They got horses at a livery-stable-keeper's, and never drew bridle 
until they reached the last town on the frontier before you come to 
Grim Tartary. Here, as their animals were tired, and the cavaliers 
hungry, they stopped and refreshed at an hostel. I could make a 
chapter of this if I were like some writers, but I like to cram my 
measure tight down, you see, and give you a great deal for your 
money, and, in a word, they had some bread, and cheese, and ale up 
stairs on the balcony of the inn. As they were drinking, drums and 
trumpets sounded nearer and nearer, the market-place was filled with 
soldiers, and his royal highness, looking forth, recognized the Pafla- 
gonian banners, and the Paflagonian national air which the bands 
were playing. 

The troops all made for the tavern at once, and as they came up, 
Giglio exclaimed, on beholding their leader, "Whom do I see ? Yes! 
No ! It is, it is ! Phoo ! No, it can't be ! Yes ! it is my friend, my 
gallant faithful veteran, Captain HeclzolT! Ho ! Hedzofi'! Knowest 
thou not thy prince — thy Giglio ? Good corporal, methinks we once 
were friends. Ha! sergeant, an my memory serves me right, we have 
had many a bout at single-stick." 

" I'faith, we have a many, good my lord," says the sergeant. 




HINCL OIOLIO & tjlLLLH lO 1 HL \.UM\ 



FOLLOW GIGLIO, GENTLEMEN. Ill 

" Tell me, what means this mighty armament," continued his royal 
highness from the balcony, " and whither march my Paflagoiiians ?" 

Hedzoff's head fell. " My lord," he said, " we march as the allies 
of great Padella, Cruxi Tartary's monarch." 

" Crim Tartary's usiaxper, gallant Hedzoff! Crim Tartary's grim 
tyrant, honest Hedzofi'!" said the prince, on the balcony, quite sar- 
castically. 

" A soldier, prince, must needs obey his orders ; mine are to help 
his majesty, Padella. And also (though alack that I should say it!) 
to seize, wherever I should light upon him — " 

"First catch your hare! ha, Hedzoff?" exclaimed his royal high- 
ness. 

'• — On the body of Giglio, whilome Prince of Paflagonia," Hedz- 
ofi^ went on, with indescribable emotion. '' My prince, give up 
your sword without ado. Look ! we are thirty thousand men to 
one !" 

" Give up my sword ! Giglio give up his sword !" cried the prince ; 
and, stepping well forward on to the balcony, the royal youth, witli- 
out preparation^ delivered a speech so magnificent that'no report can 
do justice to it. It was all in blank verse (in which, from this time, 
he invariably sj)oke, as niore becoming his majestic station.) It last- 
ed for three days and three nights, during which not a single person 
who heard him was tired, or remarked the difierence between day- 
light and dark, the soldiers only cheering tremendously, when oc- 
casionally, once in nine hours, the prince paused to suck an orange, 
which Jones took out of the bag. He explained, in terms which 
we say we shall not attempt to convey, the whole history of the 
previous transaction, and his determination not only not to give up 
his sword, but to assume his rightful crown. And at the end of 
this extraordinary, this truly gigantic effort. Captain Hedzoff flung 
up his helmet, and cried, "Hurray! Hurray! Long live King Gig- 
lio!" 



112 HASTEN, RESCUE ! GIGLIO RUN ! FOR 

Such were the consequences of having employed his time well at 
college ! 

When the excitement had ceased, beer was ordered out for the 
army, and their sovereign himself did not disdain a little ! And 
now it was with some alarm that Captain Hedzoft^ told him his di- 
vision was only the advanced guard of the Paflagonian contingent 
hastening to King Padella's aid, the main force being a day's march 
in the rear, under His Royal Highness Prince Bulbo. 

" We will wait here, good friend, to beat the prince," his majesty 
said, " and then will make his royal father wince." 



ELSE OUR POOR ROSALBA's DONE FOR. 113 



XY. 

WE RETURN TO ROSALBA. 

King Padella made very similar proposals to Rosalba to those 
which she had received from the various princes wdio, as we have 
seen, had fallen in love with her. His majesty was a widower, and 
offered to marry his fair captive that instant; but she declined his 
invitation in her usual polite manner, stating- that Prince Giglio was 
her love, and that any other union was out of the question. Having 
tried tears and supplications in vain, this violent-tempered monarch 
menaced her w^itli threats and tortures ; but she declared she would 
rather suffer all these than accept the hand of her father's murderer, 
who left her finally, uttering the most awful imprecations, and bidding 
her prepare for death the following morning. 

All night long the king spent in advising how he should get rid of 
this obdurate young creature. Cutting off her h ad was much too easy 
a death for her ; hanging was so common in his majesty's dominions, 
that it no longer afforded him any sport; finally, he bethought him- 
self of a pair of fierce lions which had lately been sent to hini as 
presents, and he determined, with these ferocious brutes, to hunt poor 
Rosalba down. Adjoining his castle was an amphitheatre, Avhere tl.e 
prince indulged in bull-baiting, rat-hunting, and oth .r ferocious sports. 
The two lions were kept in a cage under this place ; their roaring might 
be heard over the whole city, the inhabitants of wdiich, I am sorry to 
say, thronged in numbers to see a poor young lady gobbled up by two 
wild beasts. 

The king took his place in the royal box, having the officers of his 
court around, and the Count Hogginarmo by his side, upon whom his 
majesty was observed to look very fiercely ; the fact is, royal spies had 

H 



114 



LITTLE SUFFERING VICTIM TENDER ! 



told the monarch of Hogj^inarmo's behavior, his proposals to Rosalba, 
and his offer to fight for the crown. Black as thunder looked King 
Padella at this proud noble, as they sat in the front seats of the the- 
atre, waiting to see the tragedy whereof poor Rosalba was to be the 
heroine. 

At length that princess was brought out in her night-gown, with all 




FROM THESE LIONS HEAVEN DEFEND HER I 



115 



her beautiful hair falling down her back, and looking so pretty, that 
even the beef-eaters and keepers of the wild animals wept plentifully 
at seeing her. And she walked witTi her poor little feet (only, luckily, 
the arena was covered with sawdust), and went and leaned up against 
a great stone in the centre of the amphitheatre, round which the court 
and the people were seated in boxes with bars before them, for fear 
of the great, fierce, red-maned, black-throated, long-tailed, roaring, bel- 
lowing, rushing lions. And now the gates were opened, and, with a 
wurrawarrurawarar, two great lean, hungry, roaring lions rushed out 




of their den, where they had been kept for three weeks on nothing but 
a little toast and water, and dashed straight up to the stone where poor 
Rosalba was waiting. Commend her to your patron saints, all you kind 
people, for she is in a dreadful state ! 

There was a hum and a buzz all through the circus, and the fierce 
King Padella even felt a little comj)assion. But Count Hogginarmo, 
seated by his majesty, roared out, " Hurray ! Now for it ! iSoo-soo-soo !" 



116 i'll keep clear when lions sup; 

that nobleman being uncommonly angry still at Rosalba's refusal of 
him. 

But, strange event ! remarkable circumstance ! extraordi- 
nary coincidence, which I am sure none of you could, hy any possibility, 
have divined ! AYhen the lions came to Rosalba, instead of devouring 
her with their great teeth, it was with kisses they gobbled her up ! 
They licked her pretty feet, they nuzzled their noses in her lap, they 
moo'd, they seemed to say, "Dear, dear sister, don't you recollect your 
brothers in the forest?" And she put her pretty white arms round 
their tawny necks, and kissed them. 

King Padella Avas immensely astonished. The Count Hogginarmo 
was extremely disgusted. "Pooh!" the count cried. " Gammon I" 
exclaimed his lordship. " These lions are tame beasts come from 
AVombAvell's or Astley's. It is a shame to put people oft^n this w^ay. 
I believe they are little boys dressed up in door-mats. They are no 
lions at all." 

Ha !" said the king ; " you dare to say ' gammon' to your sovereign, 
do you ? These lions are no lions at all, arn't they ? Ho ! my beef- 
eaters ! Ho ! my body-guard ! Take this Count Hogginarmo, and fling 
him into the circus! Give him a sword and buckler; let him keep 
his armor on, and his weather-eye out, and fight these lions." 

The haughty Hogginarmo laid down his opera-glass, and looked 
scowling round at the king and his attendants. "Touch me not, 
dogs !" he said, " or, by St. Nicholas the elder, I will gore you ! Your 
majesty thinks Hogginarmo is afraid 1 No, not of a hundred thousand 
lions ! Follow me down into the circus, King Padella, and match thy- 
self against one of yon brutes. Thou darest not. Let them both come 
on, then !" And, opening a grating of the box, he jumped lightly down 
into the circus. 



THESE ATE HOGGINARMO UP. 

^Vurra icurra wurra wnr-aiv-aic-aw ! ! ! 

In about two minutes 

the Count Hogginarmo was 

GOBBLED UP 

by 

those lions, 

bones, boots, and all, 

and 

there was an 

end of him. 



117 



At this, the king said, "Serve him right, the rebellious ruffian! 
And now, as those lions won't eat that young woman — '' 

" Let her of!'! let her otll" cried the crowd. 

" NO !" roared the king. " Let the beef-eaters go down and chop 
her into small pieces. If the lions defend her, let the archers shoot 
them to death. That hussy shall die in tortures !" 



A-a-ali !" cried the crowd. " Shame ! sh 



ame 



I" 



" AVho dares cry out shame?" cried the furious potentate (so little 
can tyrants command their passions). " Fling any scoundrel who says 
a word down among the liolis !" 1 warrant you there was a dead si- 
lence then, which was broken by a pang arang pang pangkarangpang, 
and a knight and a herald rode in at the farther end of the circus — ■ 
the knight in full armor, with his vizor up, and bearing a letter on 
the point of his lance. 

"Ha!" exclaimed the king; "by my fay, 'tis Elephant and Castle, 
pursuivant of my brother of Paflagonia ; and the knight, as my mem- 
ory serves me, is the gallant Captain Hedzoff. What news from Paf- 
lagonia, gallant Hedzoff? Elephant and Castle, beshrew me, thy 
trumpeting must have made thee thirsty. AVhat will my trusty her- 
ald like to drink?" 

" Bespeaking first safe conduct from your lordship," said Captain 



118 YET THE TERRIBLE CRIM TARTAR 

Hedzoff, "before we take a drink of any ihiiig, permit us to deliver 
our king's message." 

" My lordship, ha !" said Crim Tartary, frowning terrifically. " That 
title soundeth strange in the anointed ears of a crowned king. Straight- 
way speak out your message, knight and herald !" 

Reigning up his charger in a most elegant manner close under the 
king's balcony, HedzofF turned to the herald, and bade him begin. 

Elephant and Castle, dropping his trumpet over his shoulder, took 
a large sheet of paper out of his hat, and began to read : 

"0 Yes! Yes! Yes! Know all men by these' presents, that 
we, Giglio, King of Paflagonia, Grand Duke of Cappadocia, Sovereign 
Prince of Turkey and the Sausage Islands, having assumed our right- 
ful throne and title, long time falsely borne by our usurping iineie, 
styling himself King of Paflagonia — " 
"Ha!" growled Padella. 

" Hereby summon the false traitor, Padella, calling himself King of 
Crim Tartary — " 

The king's curses were dreadful. "Go on, Elephant and Castle!" 
said the intrepid HedzoiP. 

" To release from cowardly imprisonment his liege lady and right- 
ful sovereign, Rosalba, Q.ueen of Crim Tartary, and restore her to her 
royal throne : in default of which, I, Giglio, proclaim the said Padella 
sneak, traitor, humbug, usurper, and coward. I challenge him to meet 
me, with fists or with pistols, with battle-axe or sword, with blunder- 
buss or single-stick, alone or at the head of his army, on foot or on 
horseback, and will prove my words upon his wicked, ugly body!" 

" God save the king!" said Captain Hedzoff, executing a demivolte, 
two semilunes, and three caracoles. 

"Is that all?" said Padella, with the terrific calm, of concentrated 
fury. 

" That, sir, is all my royal master's message. Here is his majesty's 
letter in autograph, and here is his glove, and if any gentleman of 



STILL WOULD POOR ROSALBA MARTYR. 119 

Crim Tartary chooses to find fault with his majesty's expressions, I, 
Tuffskin Hedzofi", captain of the guard, am very mucli at his service," 
and he waved his lance, and looked at the assembly all round. 

" And what says my good brother of Paflagonia, my dear son's father- 
in-law to this rubbish ?" asked the king. 

" The king's uncle hath been deprived of the crown he unjustly 
wore," said Hedzoff, gravely. " He and his ex-minister, Glumboso, are 
now in prison, waiting the sentence of my royal master. After the 
battle of Bombardaro — " 

'•Of what?" asked the surprised Padella. 

" Of Bombardaro, where my liege, his present majesty, would have 
performed prodigies of valor, but that the whole of his uncle's army 
came over to our side, with the exception of Prince Bulbo." 

" Ah! my boy, my boy, my Bulbo was no traitor!" cried Padella. 

" Prince Bulbo, far from coming over to us, ran away, sir ; but I 
caught him. The prince is a prisoner in our army, and the most ter- 
rific tortures await him if a hair of the Princess Rosalba's head is in- 
jured." 

" Do they ?" exclaimed the furious Padella, who was now perfectly 
livid with rage. " Do they, indeed ? So much the worse for Bulbo. 
I've twenty sons as lovely each as Bulbo. Not one but is as fit to 
reign as Bulbo. Whip, whack, flog, starve, rack, punish, torture Bul- 
bo — break all his bones — roast him or flay him alive — pull all his 
pretty teeth out one by one! But, justly dear as Bulbo is to me — ^joy 
of my eyes, fond treasure of my soul! — ha, ha, ha, ha! revenge is 
dearer still. Ho ! torturers, rack-men, executioners, light up the fires 
and make the pincers hot ! Get lots of boiling lead ! Bring out Ro- 

SALBA !" 



120 OF POOR BULBO, HOW THEY PICKED HIM 



XYL 

HOW HEDZOFF RODE BACK AGAIN TO KING GIGLIO. 

Captain Hedzoff rode away when King Padella uttered this cruel 
command, having done his duty in delivering the message with which 
his royal master had intrusted him. Of course he was very sorry for 
Rosalba, hut Avhat could he do ? 

iSo he returned to King Giglio's camp, and found the young monarch 
in a disturbed state of mind, smoking cigars in the royal tent. His 
majesty's agitation was not ajDpeased by the news that was brought 
by his embassador. "The brutal, ruthless ruffian! royal wretch!" 
Giglio exclaimed. " As England's poesy has well remarked, ' The man 
that lays his hand upon a woman, save in the way of kindness, is a 
villain.' Ha, Hedzoff;" 

" That he is, your majesty," said the attendant. 

" And did'st thou see her flung into the oil ? and didn't the sooth- 
ing oil — the emollient oil, refuse to boil, good Hedzofi^ — and to spoil 
the fairest lady ever eyes did look on?" 

" Faith, good my liege, I had no heart to look and see a beauteous 
lady boiling down ; I took your royal message to Padella, and bore his 
back to you. I told him you would hold Prince Bulbo answerable. 
He only said that he had twenty sons as good as Bulbo, and forthwith 
he bade the ruthless executioners proceed." 

" cruel father — unhappy son," cried the king. " Go, some of 
vou, and bring Prince Bulbo hither." 



OUT, AS USUAL, FOR A VICTIM. l2l 

Bulbo was brought in chains, looking very uncomfortable. Thougli 
a prisoner, he had been tolerably happy, perhaps because his rnind 
was at rest, and all the fighting was over, and he was playing at mar- 
bles with his guards when the king sent for him. 

" my poor Bulbo," said his majesty, with looks of infinite com- 
passion, " hast thou heard the news" (for you see Giglio wanted to 
break the thing gently to the prince) ? " Thy brutal father has con- 
demned Rosalba — p-p-p-put her to death, P-p-p-prince Bulbo !" 

" What ! killed Betsinda ! boo-hoo-hoo !" cried out Bulbo ; " Betsin- 
da ! pretty Betsinda ! dear Betsinda ! tShe was the dearest little girl 
in the world. I love her better twenty thousand times even than An- 
gelica," and he went on expressing his grief in so hear-ty and unaffect- 
ed a manner, that the king was quite touched by it, and said, shaking 
Bulbo's hand, that he wished he had known Bulbo sooner. 

Bulbo, cpiite unconsciously, and meaning for the best, offered to come 
and sit with his majesty, and smoke a cigar with him, and console 
him. The royal kindness supplied Bulbo with a cigar ; he had not 
had one, he said, since he was taken prisoner. 

And now think what must have been the feelings of the most mer- 
ciful of monarclis, when he informed his prisoner that, in consequence 
of King Padella's cruel and dastardly behavior to Rosalba, Prince Bulbo 
must instantly be executed! The noble Giglio could not restrain his 
tears, nor could the grenadiers, nor the officers, nor could Bulbo him- 
self, when the matter was explained to him ; and he was brought to 
understand that his majesty's promise, of course, was above every thing, 
and Bulbo must submit. So poor Bulbo was led out, Hedzoff trying 
to console him by pointing out that if he had won the battle of Bom- 
bardaro, he might have hanged Prince Giglio. " Yes ! but that is no 
comfort to me now !" said poor Bulbo ; nor indeed was it, poor fellow ! 

He was told the business would be done the next morning at eight, 
and was taken back to his dungeon, where every attention was paid 
10 him. The jailer's wife sent him tea, and the turnkey's daughtcj- 



122 



MAY WE NE ER BE THUS BEFRIENDED I 



begged him to write his name in her album, where a many gentlemen 
had wrote it on like occasions ! " Bother your album !" says Bulbo. 
The undertaker came and measured him for the handsomest coffin 
which money could buy — even this didn't console Bulbo. The cook 
brought him dishes which he once used to like, but he wouldn't touch 




them. He sat down and began writing an adieu to Angelica, as the 
clock kept always ticking, and the hands drawing nearer to next morn- 
ing. The barber came in at night, and offered to shave him for the 
next day. Prince Bulbo kicked him away, and went on writing a few 
words to Princess Angelica, as the clock kept always ticking, and the 
hands hopping nearer and nearer to next morning. He got up on the 



BULBO S PAINS SEEM WELLNIGH ENDED. 



123 



top of ta hat-box, on the top of a chair, on the top of his bed, on the top 
of his table, and looked ont to see whether he might escape, as the 




■^J 



© 





clock kept always ticking, and the hands drawing nearer, and nearer, 
and nearer. 

But looking out of the window was one thing, and jumping another: 
and the town clock struck seven. So he got into bed for a little sleep, 
but the jailer came and woke him, and said, "Git up, your royal igh- 
ness, if you please ; it's ten minutes to eight /" 

So poor Bulbo got up : he had gone to bed in his clothes (the lazy 
boy), and he shook himself, and said he didn't mind about dressing, 
or having any breakfast, thank you ; and he saw the soldiers who had 



124 HARK ! THEY PLAY THE MARCH IN SAUL ! 

come for him. "Lead on!" he said; and they led the way, deeply 




affected ; and they came into the court-yard, and out into the square, 
and there was King Giglio come to take leave of him, and his majesty 
most kindly shook hands with him, and the gloumy procession marched 
on — when hark ! 

Haw — wurraw — wurraw — aworr ! 

A roar of wild beasts was heard. And who should come riding into 
the town, frightening away the boys, and even the beadle and police- 
man, but R-osalba ! 

The fact is, that when Captain Hedzoff entered into the court of 
Snapdragon Castle, and was discoursing with King Padella, the lion 



BUT THE YOUNG QUEEN RESCUES ALL 



125- 



made a dash at the open gate, gobbled up the six beef-eaters in a jifiy, 
and away they went with Rosalba on the back of one of them, and 
they carried her, turn and turn about, till they came to the city where 
Prince Giglio's army was encamped. 

AVhen the king heard of the queen's arrival, you may think how 
he rushed out of his breakfast-room to hand her majesty otl' her lion! 
The lions were grown as fat as pigs now, having had Hogginarmo and 
all those beef-eaters, and were so tame any body might pat them. 

While Giglio knelt (most gracefully) and lielped the princess, Bulbo, 




126 KISSINGS, HUGGINGS, BILLINGS, CODINGS, 

for his part, rushed up and kissed the lion. He flung- his arms round 
the forest monarch ; he hugged him, and laughed and cried for joy. 
" you darling old beast, how glad I am to see you, and the dear, 
dear Bets" — that is, Rosalba. 

" What, is it you ? Poor Bulbo !" said the queen. " how glad I am 
to see you ;" and she gave him her hand to kiss. King Giglio slapped 
him most kindly on the back, and said, " Bulbo, my boy, I am delight- 
ed, for your sake, that her majesty has arrived." 

" So am I," said Bulbo ; " and you hnow why.'''' Captain HedzofT 
here came up. " Sire, it is half past eight: shall we proceed with 
the execution ?" 

" Execution ! what for?" asked Bulbo. 

" An officer only knows his orders," replied Captain Hedzoff, show- 
ing his warrant, on which his majesty King Giglio smilingly said, 
" Prince Bulbo was reprieved this time," and most graciotisiy invited 
him to breakfast. 



AND ALL SORTS OF MERRY DOINGS. 127 



XVII. 
HOW A TREMENDOUS BATTLE TOOK PLACE, AND WHO WON IT. 

As soon as King Padella heard, what we know already, that his 
victim, tlie lovely Rosalba, had escaped him, his majesty's lury knew 
no bounds, and he pitched the lord chancellor, lord chamberlain, and 
every officer of the crown whom he could set eyes on, into the caldron 
of boiling oil prepared for the princess. Then he ordered his whole 
army, horse, foot, and artillery, and set forth at the head of an innu' 
nierable host, and I should think twenty thousand drummers, trumpet 
ers, and fifers. 

King Giglio's advanced g-uard, you may be sure, kept that monarch 
acquainted with the enemy's dealings, and he was in nowise discon- 
certed. He was much too polite to alarm the princess, his lovely 
guest, with any unnecessary rumors of battles impending ; on the 
contrary, he did every thin 2" to amuse and divert her, gave her a most 
elegant breakfast, dinner, lunch, and got up a ball for her that evening- 
when he danced with her every single dance. 

Poor Bulbo was taken into favor again, and allowed to go quite free 
now. He had new clothes given him, was called "my good cousin''* 
by his majesty, and was treated with the greatest distinction by every 
body. But it was easy to see he was very melancholy. The fact is, 
the sight of Betsinda, who looked perfectly lovely in an elegant new 
dress, set poor Bulbo frantic in love with her again. And he never 



128 AFTER KISSING, BILLING, COOING, 

lliouglit about Angelica, now Princess Bulbo, whom he had left at 
home, and who, as we know, did not care much about him. 

The king, dancing the twenty-fifth polka with Rosaiba, remarked 
with wonder the ring she wore ; and then Uosalba told him how she 
had got it from Gruffanuff, who, no doubt, had picked it up when An- 
gelica flung it aAva3\ 

" Yes," says the Fairy Blackstick, who had come to see the young 
people, and who had, very likely, certain plans regarding them, "that 
ring I gave the queen, Giglio's mother, who was not, saving your pres 
ence, a very Avise woman ; it is enchanted, and whoever wears it looks 
beautiful in the eyes of the world I made poor Prince Bulbo, w^heii 
he was christened, the present of a rose, which made him look hand- 
some while he had it ; but he gave it to Angelica, who instantly looked 
beautiful again, while Bulbo relapsed into his natural plainness." 

" Rosalba needs no ring, I am sure," says Giglio, with a low bow. 
" 8he is beautiful enough, in my eyes, without any enchanted aid." 

" sir !" said Rosalba. 

"Take off" the ring and try," said the king; and he resolutely drew 
the ring off' her finger. In his eyes she looked just as handsome as 
before ! 

The king was thinking of throwing the ring away, as it was so 
dangerous, and made all the people so mad about Rosalba ; but, being 
a prince of great humor, and good humor too, he cast his eyes upon a 
poor youth who happened to be looking on very disconsolately, and 
said, 

" Bulbo, my poor lad ! come and try on this ring. The Princess 
Rosalba makes it a present to you." The magic properties of this 
ring were uncommonly strong, for no sooner had Bulbo put it on, than, 
lo and behold ! he appeared a personable, agreeable young prince 
enough, with a fine com])lexion, fair hair, rather stout, and Avith bandy 
legs ; but these were encased in such a beautiful pair of yellow mo- 
rocco hoots, that nobody remarked them. And Bulbo's spirits rose up 



UP, SIR king! for mischief's brewing! 1:29 

almost' immediately after he had looked in the glass, and he talked to 
their majesties in the most lively, agreeable manner, and danced op- 
posite the queen with one of the prettiest maids of honor, and after 
looking at her majesty, could not help saying, " How very odd ; she is 
very pretty, but not so extraordinarily handsome." " Oh no, by no 
means !" says the maid of honor. 

" But what care I, dear sir," says the queen, who overheard them, 
''' \{ you think I am good-looking enough?" 

His majesty's glance in reply to this affectionate speech was such 
that no painter could draw it. And the Fairy Blackstick said, " Bless 
you, my darling children ' Now you are united and happy ; and now 
you see what I said from the first, that a little misfortune has done 
you both good. You, Giglio, had you been bred in prosperity, would 
scarcely have learned to read or write — you would have been idle and 
extravagant, and could not have been a good king, as now you will be. 
You, Rosalba, would have been so flattered, that your little head might 
have been turned like Angelica's, who thought herself too good for 
Giglio." 

" As if any body could be good enough for Am," cried Rosalba. 

" Oh, you, you darling I" says Giglio. And so she was ; and he was 
just holdinor out his arms in order to give her a hug before the whole 
company, wnen a messenger came rushing in, and said, " My lord, the 
enemy!" 

" To arms !" cries Giglio. 

"Oh, mercy!" says Rosalba, and fainted, of course. He snatched 
one kiss from her lips, and rushed ybr^A to the field of battle ! 

The fairy had provided King Giglio with a suit of armor, which 
was not only embroidered all over with jewels, and blinding to your 
eyes to look at, but was water-proof, gun-proof, and sword -proof ; so 
that in the midst of the very hottest battles, his majesty rode about as 
calmly as if he had been a British grenadier at Alma. Were I en- 

I 



130 TRUMPETS PEALING, CHARGERS PRANCING 



gaged in fighting for my country, / should like such a suit of armor as 
Prince Giglio wore ; but, you know, he was a prince of a fairy tale, 
and they always have these wonderful things 

Besides the fairy armor, the prince had a fairy horse, which would 
gallop at any pace you please ; and a fairy sword, w^hich would length- 
en, and run through a whole regiment of enemies at once. With such 
a weapon at command, I wonder, for my part, he thought of order- 
ing his army out , but forth they all came, in magnificent new uni- 
forms ; Hedzoff and the prince's two college friends each command- 
ing a division, and his majesty prancing in person at the head of 
them all. 

Ah J if I had the pen of a Sir Archibald Alison, my dear friends, 
would I not now entertain you with the account of a most tremen- 
dous shindy? Should not fine blows be struck? dreadful wounds be 
delivered ? arrows darken the air ? cannon balls crash through the 
battalions ? cavalry charge infantry ? infantry pitch into cavalry ? 
bugles blow ; drums beat ; horses neigh ; fifes ring ; soldiers roar, 
swear, hurray ; officers shout out, " Forward, my men !" " This way, 
lads!" "Give it 'em, boys. Fight for King Giglio, and the cause of 
right !" '' King Padella forever ?" Would I not describe all this, I 
say, and in the very finest language too ? But this humble pen does 
not possess the skill necessary for the description of combats. In a 
word, the overthrow of King Padella's army was so complete, that if 
they had been Russians you could not have wished them to be more 
utterly smashed and confounded. 

As for that usurping monarch, having performed acts of valor much 
more considerable than could be expected of a royal ruffian and usurp- 
er, who had such a bad cause, and who was so cruel to women — as 
for King Padella, I say, when his army ran away, the king ran away 
too, kicking his first general. Prince Punchikoff', from hh :iSiddh, Diid 
galloping away on the prince's horse, having, indeed, had twanty-five 
or twenty-six of his own shot under him. HedzofT coming up, and 



STABBING, SLASHING, AXING, LANCING. 133 

finding Punchikofi' down, as you may imagine very speedily disposed 
of him. Meanwliile King Padella was scampering ofi' as hard as his 
horse could lay legs to ground. Fast as he scampered, 1 promise you 
somebody else galloped faster ; and that individual, as no doubt you 
are aware, was the Royal Giglio, who kept bawling out, " Stay, trait- 
or ! Turn, miscreant, and defend thyself! Stand, tyrant, coward, ruf- 
fian, royal wretch, till I cut thy ugly head from thy usurping shoul- 
ders !" And, with his fairy sword, which elongated itself at will, his 
majesty kept poking and prodding Padella in the back, until that wick- 
ed monarch roared with anguish. 

When he was fairly brought to bay, Padella turned and dealt Prince 
Giglio a prodigious crack over the sconce with his battle-axe, a most 
enormous weapon, which had cut down I don't know how many regi- 
ments in the course of the afternoon. But, law bless you ! though 
the blow fell right down on his majesty's helmet, it made no more 
impression than if Padella had struck him with a pat of butter : 
his battle-axe crumpled up in Padella's hand, and the royal Giglio 
laughed for very scorn at the impotent efibrts of that atrocious usurper. 

At the ill success of his. blow the Crim Tartar monarch was just- 
ly irritated. "If," says he to Giglio, "you ride a fairy horse, and 
wear fairy armor, what on earth is the use of my hitting you ? I 
may as well give myself up a prisoner at once. Your majesty won't, 
I suppose, be so mean as to strike a poor fellow wdio can't strike 
again ?" 

The justice of Padella's remark struck the magnanimous Giglio. 
" Do you yield yourself a prisoner, Padella?" says he. 

" Of course I do," says Padella. 

" Do you acknowledge Rosalba as your rightful queen, and give up 
the crown and all your treasures to your rightful mistress ?" 

" If I must I must," says Padella, who was naturally very sulky. 

By this time King Giglio's aides-de-camp had come up, whom his 
majesty ordered to bind the prisoner. And they tied his hands be- 



134 NOW THE DREADFUL BATTLe's OVER, 

hind him, and bound his legs tight under his horse, having set him 
with his face to the tail ; and in this fashion he was led back to King 
Giglio's quarters, and thrust into the very dungeon where young Bul- 
bo had been confined. 

Padella (who was a very different person, in the depth of his dis- 
tress, to Padella, the proud wearer of the Crim Tartar crown) now 
most affectionately and earnestly asked to see his son — his dear eld- 
est boy — his darling Bulbo ; and that good-natured young man never 
once reproached his haughty parent for his unkind conduct the day 
before, when he would have left Bulbo to be shot without any pity, 
but came to see his father, and spoke to him through the grating of 
the door, beyond which he was not allowed to go ; and brought him 
some sandwiches from the grand supper which his majesty was giv- 
ing above stairs, in honor of the brilliant victory which had just been 
achieved . 

" I can not stay with you long, sir," says Bulbo, who was in his best 
ball dress, as he handed his father in the prog ; " I am engaged to 
dance the next quadrille with her majesty Queen Rosalba, and I hear 
the fiddles playing at this very moment." 

So Bulbo went back to the ball-room, and the wretched Padella ate 
his solitary supper in silence and tears. 

All was now joy in King Giglio's circle. Dancing, feasting, fun, 
illuminations, and jollifications of all sorts ensued. The people through 
whose villages they passed were ordered to illuminate their cottages 
at night, and scatter flowers on the roads during the day. They were 
requested, and I promise you they did not like to refuse, to serve the 
troops liberally with eatables and wine ; besides, the army was enrich- 
ed by the immense quantity of plunder which was found in King Pa- 
dclla's camp, and taken from his soldiers, who (after they had given 
up every thing) were allowed to fraternize with the conquerors, and 
the united armies marched back by easy stages toward King Gijlio's 



ONWARD RIDE THEY, MAID AND LOVER. 130 

capital, his royal banner and that of Glueen Rosalba being carried in 
front of the troops. Hedzoft' was made a duke and a field marshal. 
Smith and Jones were promoted to be earls ; the Crim Tartar Order 
of the Pumpkin, and the Paflagonian decoration of the Cucumber, were 
freely distributed by their majesties to the army. Glueen Rosalba wore 
the Paflagonian Ribbon of the Cucumber across her riding habit, while 
King Giglio never appeared without the grand Cordon of the Pumpkin. 
How the people cheered them as they rode along, side by- side ! They 
were pronounced to be the handsomest couple ever seen ; that was a 
matter of course ; but they really were very handsome, and, had they 
been otherwise, would have looked so, they were so happy! Their 
majesties were never separated during the whole day, but breakfasted, 
dined, and supped together always, and rode side by side, interchang- 
ing elegant compliments, and indulging in the most delightful conver- 
sation. At night, her majesty's ladies of honor (who had all rallied 
round her the day after King Padella's defeat) came and conducted her 
to the apartments prepared for her, while King Giglio, surrounded by 
his gentlemen, withdrew to his OMai royal quarters. It was agreed 
they should be married as soon as they reached the capital, and orders 
were dispatched to the Archbishop of Blombodinga to hold himself in 
readiness to perform the interesting ceremony. Duke Hedzoff carried 
the message, and gave instructions to have the royal castle splendidly 
refurnished and painted afresh. The duke seized Glumboso, the ex- 
prime minister, and made him refund that considerable sum of money 
which the old scoundrel had secreted out of the late king's treasure. 
He also clapped Valoroso into prison (who, by the way, had been de- 
throned for some considerable period past), and when the ex-monarch 
weakly remonstrated, HedzofTsaid, " A soldier, sir, knows but his duty ; 
my orders are to lock you up along with the ex-king Padella, whom I 
have brought hither a prisoner under guard." So these two ex-royal 
personages were sent for a year to the House of Correction, and there- 
after were oblifjed to become monks of the severest Order of Flagel- 



136 



HERE S A PRETTY PAIR OF KNAVES I 




lants, in which state, by fasting, by vigils, by flogging (which thej- 
administered to one another, humbly, but resolutely), no doubt they 
exhibited a repentance for their past misdeeds, usurpations, and pri- 
vate and public crimes. 

As for Glumboso, that rogue was sent to the galleys, and never had 
an op])ortunity to steal any more. 



tf:ll us how the king behaves. 137 



XVIIL 

HOW THEY ALL JOURNEYED BACK TO THE CAPITAL. 

The Fairy Blackstick, by whose means this young king and queen 
had certainly won their respective crowns back, would come, not un- 
Irequently, to pay them a little visit — as they were riding in their 
triumphal process toward Giglio's capital — change her Avand into a 
pony, and travel by their majesties' side, giving them the very best 
advice. I am not sure that King Giglio did not think the fairy and 
her advice rather a bore, fancying it was his own valor and merits 
which had put him on his throne, and conquered Padella ; and, in 
fine, I fear he rather gave himself airs toward his best friend and 
patroness. She exhorted him to deal justly by his subjects, to draAV 
mildly on the taxes, never to break his promise when he had once 
given it, and in all respects to be a good king. 

" A good king, my dear fairy !" cries Rosalba. " Of course he will. 
Break his promise ! Can you fancy my Giglio would ever do any thing 
so improper — so unlike him? IN^o, never!" And she looked fondly 
toward Giglio, whom she thought a pattern of perfection. 

" Why is Fairy Blackstick always advising me, and telling me how 
to manage my government, and warning me to keep my word • Does 
she suppose that I am not a man of sense and a man of honor ?" asks 
Giglio, testily. " Methinks she rather presumes upon her position." 

'' Hush ! dear Giglio," savs Rosalba. " You know Blackstick has 



138 BULBO NOW IS HAPPY QUITE. 

been very kind to us, and we must not offend Pier." But the fairy 
was not listening to Giglio's testy observations ; she had fallen back, 
and was trotting on her pony now by Master Bulbo's side, who rode 
a donkey, and made himself generally beloved in the army by his 
cheerfulness, kindness, and good humor to every body. He was eager 
to see his darling Angelica. He thought there never was such a 
charming being. Blackstick did not tell him it was the possession 
of the Magic Rose that made Angelica so lovely in his eyes. She 
brought him the very best accounts of his little wife, whose misfor- 
tunes and humiliations had indeed very greatly improved her, and you 
see she could whisk off on her wand a hundred miles in a minute, 
and be back in no time, and so carry polite messages from Bulbo to 
Angelica, and from Angelica to Bulbo, and comfort that young man 
upon his journey. 

When the royal party arrived at the last stage before you reach 
Blombodinga, who should be in waiting, in her carriage there, with 
her lady of honor by her side, but the Princess Angelica. She rushed 
into her husband's arms, scarcely stopping to make a passing courtesy 
to the king and queen. She had no eyes but for Bulbo, who appeared 
perfectly lovely to her on account of the fairy ring which he wore ; 
while she herself, wearing the magic rose in her bonnet, seemed en- 
tirely beautiful to the enraptured Bulbo. 

A splendid luncheon was served to the royal party, of which the 
archbishop, the chancellor, Duke Hedzoff", Countess Grufianuff, and all 
our friends partook, the Fairy Blackstick being seated on the left of 
King Giglio, with Bulbo and Angelica beside her. You could hear the 
joy-bells ringing in the capital, and the guns which the citizens were 
firing off in honor of their majesties. 

"What can have induced that hideous old Grufianuff to dress her- 
self up in such an absurd way ? Did you ask her to be your brides- 
maid, my dear?" says Giglio to Ilosalba. "What a figure of fuL' 
GruflyiJi" 



MA.DAM GRUFF DEMANDS HER RIGHT, 139 

Gruffy was seated opposite their majesties, between the archbishop 
and the lord chancellor, and a figure of fim she certainly was, for she 
was dressed in a low white silk dress, with lace over, a wreath of 
white roses on her wig, a splendid lace veil, and her yellow old neck 
was covered with diamonds, ^he ogled the king in such a manner 
that his majesty burst out laughing. 

" Eleven o'clock !" cries Giglio, as the great Cathedral bell of Blom- 
bodinga tolled that hour. " Gentlemen and ladies, we must be start- 
ing. Archbishop, you must be at church, 1 think, before twelve ?" 

" We must be at church before twelve," sighs out Gruffanuff, in a 
languishing voice, hiding her old face behind her fan. 

" And then I shall be the happiest man in my dominions," cries 
Giglio, with an elegant bow to the blushing Rosalba. 

"0 my Giglio! my dear majesty!" exclaims Gruffanuff; "and 
can it be that this happy m.oment at length has arrived — " 

" Of course it has arrived," says the king. 

" — And that I am about to become the enraptured bride of my 
adored Giglio !" continues Gruffanuff. " Lend me a smelling-bottle, 
somebody. I certainly shall faint with joy." 

" You my bride !" roars out Giglio. 

" You marry my prince !" cries poor little Rosalba. 

" Pooh ! Nonsense ! The woman's mad !" exclaims the king. And 
all the courtiers exhibited by their countenances and expressions 
marks of surprise, or ridicule, or incredulity, or wonder. 

" I should like to know who else is going to be married, if I am 
not ?" shrieks out Gruffanuff. " I should like to know if King Giglio 
is a gentleman, and if there is such a thing as justice in Paflagonia ? 
Lord chancellor ! my lord archbishop ! will your lordships sit by and 
see a poor, fond, confiding, tender creature put upon ? Has not Prince 
Giglio promised to marry his Barbara? Is not this Giglio's signature ? 
Does not this paper declare that he is mine, and only mine?" And 
she handed to his grace the archbishop the document which the prince 



140 GIGLIO SHOWS EXTREME DISGUST, 

sig-iied that evening- when she wore the magic ring, and Giglio drank 
so much champagne. And the old archbishop, taking out his eye- 
glasses, read, " This is to give notice, that I, Giglio, only son of k>avio, 
King of Paflagonia, hereby promise to marry the charming Barbara 
Griselda, Countess Grufianuft", and widow of the late Jenkins Grufia- 
nufi', Esq.' " 

" H'm," says the archbishop, " the document is certainly a — a docu- 
ment." 

" Phoo !" says the lord chancellor, " the signature is not in his maj- 
esty's hand-writing." Indeed, since his studies at Bosforo, Giglio had 
made an immense improvement in caligraphy. 

" Is it your hand-writing, Giglio?" cries the Fairy Blackstick, with 
an awful severity of countenance. 

" Y— y — V — es," poor Giglio gasps oat, " I had quite forgotten the 
confounded paper : she can't mean to hold me by it. You old wretch, 
what will you take to let me ofi"? Help the queen, some one — her 
majesty has fainted." 

" Chop her head off!" j exclaim the impetuous Hedzoff, the 

" ^^mother the old witch !" I ardent k^mith, and the faithful 

" Pitch her into the river!" ) Jones. 

But Gruffanuff flung her arms round the archbishop's neck, and bel- 
lowed out, " Justice, justice, my lord chancellor !" so loudly, that her 
piercing shrieks caused every body to pause. As for Rosalba, she was 
borne away lifeless by her ladies ; and you may imagine the look of 
agony which Giglio cast toward that lovely being, as his hope, his joy, 
his darling, his all in all, was thus removed, and in her place the hor- 
rid old Gruffanuff rushed up to his side, and once more shrieked out, 
" Justice, justice !" 

" Won't you take that sum of money which Glumboso hid ?" says 
Giglio, " two hundred and eighteen thousand millions, or thereabouts. 
It's a handsome sum." 

" I will have that and you too !" says Gruffanuff. 



SAYS HE WON T, BUT KNOWS HE MUST. 141 

" Let us throw the crown jewels into the bargain," gasps out Giglio. 

" I will wear them by my Giglio 's side !" says Gruflanufl" 

" Will half, three quarters, five sixths, nineteen twentieths of" my 
kingdom do, countess ?" asks the trembling monarch. 

"What were ail Europe to me without you,jm liiglio ?" cries (Truli, 
kissing his hand. 

" I won't, I can't, I sha'n't ; I'll resign the crown first," shouts Giglio, 
tearing away his hand ; but Grufi' clung to it. 

" I have a competency, my love," she says, " and with thee and a 
cottage thy Barbara will be happy." 

Giglio was half mad with rage by this time. " I will not marry her," 
says he. "Oh, fairy, fairy, give me counsel!" And as he spoke he 
looked wildly round at the severe face of the Fairy Blackstick. 

" ' Why is Fairy Blackstick always advising me, and warning me to 
keep my word 1 Does she suppose that I am not a man of honor V " 
said the fairy, quoting Giglio's own haughty words. He quailed under 
the brightness of her eyes ; he felt that there was no escape for him 
from that awful inquisition. 

" Well, archbishop," said he, in a dreadful voice, that made his grace 
start, " since this fairy has" led me to the height of happiness but to 
dash me down into the depths of despair, since I am to lose Rosalba, 
let me at least keep my honor. Get up, countess, and let us be mar- 
ried ; I can keep my word, but I can die afterward." 

" dear Giglio," cries Gruffanufi^, skipping up, " I knew — T knew 1 
could trust thee — I knew that my prince was the soul of honor. Jump 
into your carriages, ladies and gentlemen, and let us go to church at 
once ; and as for dying, dear Giglio, no, no — thou wilt forget that in- 
significant little chambermaid of a queen — thou wilt live to be con- 
soled by thy Barbara ! She wishes to be a queen, and not a queen 
dowager, my gracious lord !" and, hanging upon poor Giglio's arm, and 
leering and grinning in his face in the most disgusting manner, this 
old wretch tripped off in her white satin shoes, and jumped into the 



142 gruffyI 'twixt the cup and lip, 

very carriage which had been got ready to convey Giglio and Rosalba 
to church. The cannons roared again, the bells pealed triple-bobmajors, 
the people came out, flinging flowers upon the path of the royal bride 
and bridegroom, and Gruft' looked out of the gilt coach window and 
bowed and grinned to them. Phoo ! the horrid old wretch! 



SURE VV'E KNOW THERe's MANY A SLIP. 14-J 



XIX. 

AND NOW WE COME TO THE LAST SCENE IN THE PANTOMIME. 

The many ups and downs of her life had given the Princess Rosal- 
ba prodigious strength of mind, and that higlily principled young 
woman presently recovered from her fainting-fit, out of which Fairy 
Blackstick, by a precious essence which the fairy always carried in 
her pocket, awakened her. Instead of tearing her hair, crying and 
bemoaning herself, and fainting again, as many young women would 
have done, Rosalba remembered that she owed an example of firm- 
ness to her subjects, and though she loved Giglio more than her life, 
was determined, as she told the fairy, not to interfere between him 
and justice, or to cause him to break his royal word. 

" I can not marry him, but I shall love him ahvays," says she to 
Blackstick ; " I will go and be present at his marriage with the count- 
ess, and sign the book, and wish them happy with all my heart. 1 
will see, when I get home, whether 1 can not make the new queen 
some handsome presents. The Crim Tartary crown diamonds are mi- 
commonly fine, and I never shall have any use for them*. I will live 
and die unmarried, like (olueen Elizabeth, and, of course, I shall leave 
my crown to Giglio when 1 quit this world. Let us go and see them 
married, my dear fairy ; let me say one last farew^ell to him ; and then, 
if you please, I will return to my own dominions." 

So the fairy kissed Rosalba with peculiar tenderness, and at once 
changed her wand into a very comfortable coach and four, with a 
steady coachman, and two respectable footmen behind, and the fairy 



144 PLANS 'OF ROGUES ARE OFTEN CROST, 

and Rosalba got into the coach, while Angelica and Bulbo entered 
after them. As lor honest Bulbo, he was blubbering in the most pa- 
thetic manner, quite overcome by Rosalba's misfortune. She was 
touched by the honest fellow's sympathy, promised to restore to him 
the confiscated estates of Duke Padella his father, and created him, 
as he sat there in the coach, prince, highness, and first grandee of the 
Crim Tartar empire The coach moved on, and, 'being a fairy coach, 
soon came up with the bridal procession. 

Before the ceremony at church, it was the custom in Paflagonia, as 
it is in other countries, for the bride and bridegroom to sign the Con- 
tract of marriage, Avhich was to be witnessed by the chancellor, min- 
ister, lord mayor, and principal officers of state. Now, as the royal 
palace was being painted and furnished anew, it was not ready for 
the reception of the king and his bride, who proposed at first to 
take up their residence at the prince's palace — that one which Valo- 
roso occupied when Angelica was born, and before he usurped the 
throne. 

So the marriage party drove up to the palace ; the dignitaries got 
out of their carriages and stcod aside; poor Rosalba stepped out of 
her coach, supported by Bulbo, and stood almost fainting up against 
the railings, so as to have a last look of her dear Giglio. As for 
Blackstick, she, according to her custom, had flown out of the coach 
window in some inscrutable manner, and was now standing at the 
jialace door. 

Giglio came up the steps with his. horrible bride on his arm, look- 
ing as pale as if he was going to execution. He only frowned at the 
Fairy Blackstick — he was angry with her, and thought she came to 
insult his misery. 

" Get out of the way, pray," says Grufianufi^, haughtily. "I wonder 
why you are always poking your nose into other people's affairs !" 

" Are you determined to make this poor voung man unhappy '^" says 
Blackstick. 



gruffy's husband's won and lost. 147 

" To marry him, yes ! AYliat business is it of yours ? Pray, madam, 
don't say ' you' to a queen," cries Gruffanuff. 

" You won't take the money he offered you ?" 

"No." 

" Y^ou won't let him off his bargain, though you know you cheated 
him when you made him sign the paper ?" 

"Impudence! Policemen, remove this woman I" cries Gruffanuff 
And the policemen were rushing forward, but with a wave of her wand 
the fairy struck them all like so many statues in their places. 

" You won't take any thing in exchange for your bond, Mrs. Grufi- 
anuff?" cries tae fairy, with awful severity. " I speak for the last 
time." 

" No !" shrieks Gruffanuff, stamping with her foot. " I'll have mv 
husband — my husband — my husband!" 

" Y^ou SHALL HAVE vouR Husband!" the Fairy Blackstick cried; 
and, advancing a step, laid her hand upon the nose of the Knocker. 

As she touched it, the brass nose seemed to elongate, the open m.outh 
opened still wider, and uttered a roar which made every body start. 
The eyes rolled wildly , the arms and legs uncurled themselves, 
writhed about, and seemed to lengthen with each twist; the knocker 
expanded into a figure in yellow livery, six feet High ; the screws by 
which it was fixed to the door unloosed themselves, and Jenklxs 
Gruffanuff once more trod the threshold off which he had been lift- 
ed more than twenty years ago ! 

" Master's not at home," says Jenkins, just in his old voice ; and 
Mrs. Jenkins, giving a dreadful yoiip, fell down in a fit, in which no- 
body minded her. 

For every body was shouting " Huzzay ! huzzay !" " Hip, hip, hur- 
ray!" "Long Jive the king and queen!" "Were such things ever 
seen?" '' No, never, never, never !" "The Fairy Blackstick for- 
ever!" 



148 so OUR LITTLE STORV ENDS. MERRY CHRlSTxMAS GOOD MY FRIENDS. 

The bells were ringiug double peals, the guns roaring and banging 
most prodigiously. Bulbo was embracing every body ; the lord chan- 
cellor was flinging up his wig and shouting like a madman ; Hedzoff" 
had got the archbishop round the waist, and they were dancing a jig 
for joy ; and as for Giglio, I leave you to imagine what he was doing, 
and if he kissed Rosalba once, twice — twenty thousand times, I'm sure 
I don't think he was wrong. 

So Gruffanuff opened the hall door with a low bow, just as he had 
been accustomed to do, and they all went in and signed the book, and 
then they went to church and were married, and the Fairy Blackstick 
sailed away on her cane, and was never more heard of in Paflagonia. 



AJTD HERE ENDS THE FIRESIDE PANTOMIME 



